I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Sunny Saturdays

2011-12-10T16:44:00.003+11:00

Hey Blog,
Its Christmas day and I can't wait for it to hurry up and end. I have work at 2pm whihc is good as I am most certainly not in the festive spirit. Trace is running around cooking pavlova, the family are due at 1130 andi'm still in my pijamas paying bills to the tax department, inhaling my 3rd cup of coffee for the day and counting the hours until i can excuse myself for work. but enough of the hard done by crap - its been quite eventful of late and I also think about updating this but get side tracked. First up - Trace broke up with Dan. It was a very uncomfortable affair actually as they did it after a games night where I was almost a 7th wheel but Blair bailed on ange in the end. They got drunk, had yet another fight because Trace told him they were moving too fast (I did say it wasn't a smart move adding him onto her health insurance after knowing eachother 2 months...) and I got to wake up to the tv completely disconnected as he had taken off with the Wii, set top box and her foxtel. Yey. Things have since quietened down although I did find it amusing the day she came screaming out of her room announcing the SOB had changed his RSVP profile ... meaning she was looking up profiles herself... grief is an individual thing I have decided. The drama still continues it seems as last night after a rather random adventure through Funky Town (really just shouldn't go there!) I decided to call it a day outside the BP station at 4 am instead of following the strangers into the motel so they could continue taking drugs and partying in the spa. Trace on the other hand crawls in the door at 11am today, her entire handbag stolen and says she and Dan have re-established contact as 'friends' all while I was sleeping. Such good friends infact that he bought her an outdoor heater and a camera for christmas...
In other news I have the paperwork for my Masters now so thats set to go - I am dropping down to 0.8 hrs a fortnight however as they have decided to change the rules on me and wont let me move onto 12 hours shifts afterall. Eggs to them though as they don't know I plan on leaving them at the end of the year to travel anyway. As for my escape plan - I have me Speaking test booked for jan 3rd (9am after coming off a night shift :P) and the written test jan 7th. Once done and dusted I can apply for the next step in the rego process. I am now considering doing a 20 day tour through France and Spain while I wait for the paperwork to process when I get there and spend so many hours day dreaming about it that I forget how much I still need to tie up here before I leave (saving money alone is a challenge!).
In other news mum took my sister and I to Sydney for Christmas and we had an amazing time watching plays, sipping wine on the Habour and visiting the zoo. Even squeezed in a massage and facial - such a tough life. My cousin Sharon was also able to have dinner with us while there too which made it especially lovely as we never see our interstate family unless someone dies.
I'm gearing up for new years this year. This year will be another trip to Pyramid Music Festival and I'm going with a friend from work Tahnee - will update on how this pans out but i am excited. We're syphening wine into prima boxes, armed the nines with glow sticks and heading there a day early to avoid the stupid traffic so its looking good. Only had to work 10 days over christmas and two weeks of night shift when I get back to get the time off :P (bloody nursing...).
In other news - Amanda and Costy have had 2 beautiful boys Samuel and Jonah - Both happy, healthy and adoreable and keeping there parents very busy I'm sure.
I'm picking up my pace in the fun run series and hoping to do an 8 km event in the Mothers Day classic but we'll see how it pans out. Otherwise life is quiet. Will update again soon enough. Merry Christmas blog.

square one

2011-08-28T03:27:00.002+10:00

OK so i went out with trace tonight with trace and co. and am abit drunk. it sucked. she confronted me and said shes sick of seeing me so depressed. sad really - i don't want to be but i miss steve and no guy out there i'm meeting comes close to what i felt i had. i'm crying- convinced i'm going to end up the crazy cat lady. meanwhile word of mouth says he's not doing much better - taking gods knoes what - feelimg crap at work, losing his person to talk to. i want to be there and i can't. i'm not. and i'm lost sad working, drifting. fuck it. tomorrow is another day. i'll go for a run, see amanda maybe get an agency shift. sigh.

Now your just somebody that i used to know

2011-08-18T18:44:00.002+10:00

Not a bad day. Feeling alittle bit more optomistic about life today. So its been a stupid weekend, Was meant to have a lazy brunch with mum then Bish's party but got a late night offer friday to go camping. It was alot of fun really until matt slipped a tab of acid into my wine. Became a giggling mess which wasn't too bad until we went for a walk and got lost 30meters from the camp site. freaking out we called the cops to find us before we were found 20min later by our friends. unfortunitly we didn't call them back and when i was in bed they came by the camp site - matt didn't think to say it was us they were looking for so they called our family and friends and freaked them out. i guess i learnt my lesson the hard way - no camping with randoms and matt is a immature dumbass. in other peachy news i hit the neighbours car reversing out the drive last week sp am sorting that htrough with insurance companies yey. got my passport application today too and have ordered a new birth certificate. booked my english test for my UK nursing registration too. still working nights which is a pain but at least it pays well. have Nathans engagement saturday night whcih will be lovely - definitly not drinking so i don't become the tragic girl crying on the stairs (because there are always stairs...) into her champaign glass. been gyming it up - otherwise all is quiet. Am having lunch with the Ben sunday which will be nice and awkward - i love that we're still friends as i think it shows a healthy maturity but sometimes i think too much about what happened and why it happened again and as i know it gets me no where i just end up with a headache. ending on a high note - new Gotye album comes out tomorrow woo hoo. staurday brunch and cd purchase me thinks.

Londons Burning

2011-08-09T19:09:00.002+10:00

Right, so my ideas of moving to Bristol are quickly dwindling. Massive riots over some stupid teenager being shot by police - probably unjustified but in fear of sounding callus - who cares? Just today aussie cops shot some crazy woman wheilding a pick axe over a pathetic lover. I'm all for fair cops but with so much grey i can see how shit happens. Why am i blogging about crap well my room mate is with eh boyfriend and the dogs are asleep so with nothing better to do and a stubborn drive not to piss of my friends with boredom this is the next best thing. As usual i started thinking the worst and wondered what would i do if my room mate wanted to call it quits too and shift in with the man. well i'd probably beg my parents to move back home, sell half my stuff and maybe invest in a prescription for antidepressants. i would however be able to save faster although even in that menagery of a house i might go insane with loneliness. I really hate being so bored - i really miss steve - miss random conversations for hours like teenagers. really miss the affections. guess it just wasn't the time for me to be comfortable yet - figure the universe is telling me to do something else - just wish it would hurry up and happen, i had a great day today - intubated patient. unknown source of encephalitis - could be viral, could be neoplasia - really fascinating. apparently my educator said i looked to bored and gave me some ecg readings - i was able to diagnose an anterior lateral AMI without help - but its all in my world and everyone can happily go on without me prattling on about it. yey life!

meh

2011-08-08T17:41:00.002+10:00

I feel like blogging because i'm a crazy person. I had a real low saturday night. Chilling with the ladies - lovely mexican for dinner and then several glasses of wine later i was wailing like a mad woman. so thats why i'm not dirnking. In other news the stock market in the US has crashed after they rose their debt ceiling and released figures showing their economy is substantially more fucked than they thought it was. This in turn has lead to a domino effect in other countries not to mention lower their AAA rating down to AA. Good thing i'm not thinking of moving there at least. No real improvments to life. Still missing my ex, still working too hard for too little and thinking everything is all to far away from being good. Hate feeling like this - but it will pass. chin up, one sleeping pill at a time and so forth. Have a decent computer at least which makes life somewhat better. Not much more to report. Did get a little bit sad today - really wanted to see the lego exhibit but reminds me of steve too much- pathetic i know. Just waiting for the day everything stops reminding me of him - was i this tragic with the last break up? probably.

i am a breakup warrior

2011-08-02T00:59:00.002+10:00

i am getting sleeping tablets this week fuck it. i can't do it anymore. i htink i'm going mad from anxiety and sleep deprivation. so i couldn't sleep last night - took some codine hoping it would help just ended up crying until 2:45 yelling inside my head to go to fucking slepe as i had work at 7am. now its 1am and i'm wired. my stomach is in knots. my room mate is negotiating the laptop transfere and apparently he completely forgot he was even doing it. yey i mean so little to him already. what a jerk - why do i spend so much time stressing over him, yearning for his compnay again - god i'm a sucker. for all i know he's on drugs, his parents have flipped and hes losing himself in the world of star craft. why this has any bearing on my life eludes me. i need to remember the good times are memories and now i need to make new ones. Amy is helping - pushing me thorugh the days with her reassuring words. i wish he'd call but i don't. its like a drug you feel totally free and at peace for a moment followed by a strong anxious craving that cant be met. went to the pub on saturday night - drank solo and water - step back. tried to indulge in a single scotch and coke but its overly sweet taste made me want to gag and i left half a glass. ok its time to shower, read a dull book and start counting to sleep again. god i wish i could scream at the moment.

one day at a time

2011-07-28T15:16:00.004+10:00

its probably sleep deprivation from nights as well as the stress my body is feeling but i woke from only 5 hours recovery sleep today (which i know won't sustain me for tonights shift) with a horrid sense of doom/emptyness/helplessness. i jumped up and started pacing the house doing nothing to get myself distracted and was ok until i looked at facebook. ironically it was the loving messages from friends that made me wail like a fool. I'm also approaching the first saturday night in a long time where i am alone and terrified. invites for drinks with friends scare the hell out of me but i know i can't live in my hole forever - i will need to shave my legs and put on mascara again eventually! I remember dressing up to impress him, how it never mattered what other people thought as long as to him i was the most appealing woman in the room - now i feel i'm struggling to impress myself instead and the critics in my mind are far more difficult to win over. i did look at traveling over night and i think i'm going to move to ireland for awhile. i called my car lease people and it going to be pricey getting out of this one so i'm aiming to put extra away each pay than i have been saving and aim for feb 2013. when i think 2013 it feels like a million years away as each day right now already feels like an eternity. i do need solid time to save, organise registration, accomodation, passports.... like a bipolar fruit loop i have one hour highs when the world is my oyster followed by another hour of deflation when it all becomes too hard. i found some solace in friend contacting me and sharing that shes kinda going through the same experience and would love to catch up. i love my roommate and close girl friends but i feel like such a burden to them moping round the house hasseling them for catch ups while they are already short for time with jobs and partners to balance. part of me is also envious of there happy state of world but more because i think life was so much easier when i was in that boat not even a month ago. i had to delete his number from my phone today (double checking i have a hard copy of course as i'm not ready at all for this) as i typed msg to a friend and habitually went to send it to him before i realised. the other day i had to take him off facebook to stop myself stalking his profile during the low times and dwelling on the crazies of what he must be doing now. i know i need to rebuild, move on and the world is not going to end because of another broken hearted sucker... just wish it didn't feel so hard grr.

single again

2011-07-27T19:53:00.002+10:00

I don't know why i kept this but i'm glad i have. I want to look back in 20years and relive the nostalgia i guess. Well i'm single again. Steve came by saturday arvo after a big night out at friday night drinks and told me need to sotp seeing eachother because he didn't love me anymore. The look on his face as he made me sit down is the most daunting think i recall - my heart was punding with that sick feeling of doom. I guess i should be glad he didn't cheat on me but i have a feeling he wanted too. now he can chase all the pretty corporates he chats up at his leisure i guess. I guess it came out of the blue which pisses me off the most. i feel like such a chump for not seeing cracks sooner. I thought we had relationship deeper than what it turned out to be. he complained that i used to send him messages saying i missed him when he wasn't around and he didn't feel the same way. Looking back i didn't exactly miss him i think i was just reaching out for affection, validations, some sign that i was important ontop of all the baggage our relationship held with parents, scheduals etc. He had become my best friend and i think that was the problem - we were in a rut and he decided to move onto to more exciting things. although i think i am in a dreadful rut i always figured if he was by my side i could find a way out. I was meant to work that night instead i howled and threw up and drank gin - then rinse and repeat... the girls were called. i felt too numb to talk, too hurt to understand, too scared and empty to htink about the next day. I sat cursing my job thinking the stupid hours had fucked it all up like his friend said living with a partner is like living with a room mate you never see sometimes. I guess its a blessing i've been through this before and i know it gets easier. food is still an effort but i'm trying to throw myself into exercise thinking it will retrigger my appetite - not really effective yet but it makes the queezy feeling subside for a while. I've decided i'm not drinking for a while - been there, done that, felt shit. The universe really is working in 3's too as i didn't get my offer for my post grad and am stucj waiting for next year. also my old faithful laptop from my ex ironically has died. Costy has tried but been unable to resurrect the hard drive so my sister has lent me this brick of a device with no audio drivers and runs at the speed of paint drying - at least i know now to get a portable hardrive. i can't believe i have lost all my music, my photos, everything. I am just so bloody empty right now everything is an effort. mum says i should travel - use my registration overseas. can't do it for a while but its looking possible. need more research though. thinking of doing a show next year too - pulled out all the old song books. i just feel so beaten down i don't even want to try in case i fail agian. don't want to talk to anyone donw want to see anyone just want to disappear for awhile until i feel some peace. have learnt a great tip for getting sleep - counting down form 100 - think i've counted from a billion so far. just want to stop thinking about him, about us, about what he's getting up to now he's free. one day at a time i guess.

Greetings and salutations

2011-03-13T16:13:00.002+11:00

Well its been a while! Life so far is pretty awesome. I am living in Seaford with my mate Trace and my little dog Brody. Hes so big now i can't believe it - and just one big ball of curls! Trace is almost finished at school with her PCA course and is about to start placement - here is hoping it lasts as i think she'll enjoy some decent pocket monies. My little dumb dumb sister is in her last year of her child dip and her bf ben is now working as a mechanic at glen waverly. The y have just signed a lease yesterday for a plce in Franksto and i can't wait til they have finally left as i think my parents are going mad. Dad is still wokring at the library and mum still with the inreach mob. She has somehown suckered me into doing the mothers day classic fun run in may with her too! life wise - I'm just starting my for good career as an Intensive Care nurse and going back to uni for postgraduate study. I'm still with the steve and i've decided he's my favorite - even his faults i find endeering :P still furstrates me his parents aren't aware we're together but in the big picture i'd rather they found our down the track when hes not under their roof and can't suffer as much backlash lol. We went to Falls music festival over new year and had such a great time! Don't think i've met anyone i could talk to for so long and not get bored. Angy has just moved back to the burbs with stretch, everyone is much the same.
Should probably get back to work before i get busted - much love to the universe!
tif

Fine and dandy like cotton candy

2010-10-12T21:05:00.003+11:00

Soooooooooooooo,
I'm currently on my final rotation on 54 south (neurosurgery) whih prob sounds alot cooler than it is. Life otherwise is rather laise fair with little to stress about except the propect that i need a root canal and 4 wisdom teeth extracted. Steve has only two weeks left of uni and is completely freaking out - I on the other hand am so incredibly excited lol. Trace and i are all geared up to sign another 12 month lease WITH no rent increases go us. Flicks B'day this month and the cats out of the bag with her which thankfully has been a rather non event (see previous posts..). Plans for falls festival this new years may not be a go as the tixs are sold out sigh. MRS Amanda has started trying for a baby which is rather exciting! Erin is moving in with her adorable man Dean, Jesse found a lovely lady too. My sis is still attending class which is a good sign. Mum and dad are well mum and dad. Mums going through bullying drama at work which is sad as you'd think after so many years and so much education she should be calling the shots not some skinny deranged megalamaniac! otherwise no more news. Mnay hugs and kisses into the universe!
TIF

Sun night work

2010-08-15T17:59:00.002+10:00

So i might actually go insane - been 2 weeks and the frustration is unbelievable lol. hope everything reapirs soon and the anniversary...
in other news still no word on next rotation - very excitred/anxious. steve gets new car in next few weeks meaning no early morning disappearances so his mum can get to church. Trace got her tax return and its about gone lol. saw Gab Rossi with oli and andrew last night - was tre awesome. Saw Inception and it is the best movie ever. Bishops b'day next weekend in carrum down (yey local) and ang's bday this month - still need a plan. Amanda is still away and i want her back plus want to see groovy short(er) hair cut. Ash and Fils wedding next month - steve not invited which is a bummer but he doesn't know them so i'll just have to hang with the cool ppl myself and txt him all night sure he wont mind as he's building a rep as the greatest victorian star craft player sigh...
Fun run coming up with leah - need shoes. you know this blog is a great resource to remind me through the years what i get up to lol
love you all my lovies (take that proper grammar)

One thing night shifts are good for

2010-08-05T00:26:00.003+10:00

HEY ALL,
Wow been a while. it aug and i've been sooooo slack but its a quiet night so i might aswell rant. I'm currently on my second rotation as a grad at dandenong emergenmcy and am loving it! Everyone is so nice and friendly, the work is fun and busy enough to keep me satisfied except the hours can very much suck but thats life. my last rotation was oncology and while it was a lovely experience i don't think i belonged there. apart formt he fact i am not 45 with kids i found it rather dull alot of the time. learnt alot of great stuff though. did kinda hurt when they asked the other grad to come back while i was int he area and didn't so much as ask what i wanted with life but then i was pretty sure the unit manager wasn't a fan anyway. plus i had an annoying habit of being completely retarded when she asked me anything - it was sad! as for the rest of life i am quite settled. i do wish i could save more money though. i had all these plans to invest in a saving account to buy a home etc and so far have very little sigh but then again i still have my whole career to get there and am happy where i live. currently i am in seaford with trace and it is rather cruisy. she can be abit bitchy at times but then everyone can and i'm sure i am no walk in the park aswell . i've scored a dinning set from ben and stripped it and reapolstered all the chairs so its looking amazing and i'm kinda proud even if i do say it myself. currently gyming it up and feeling rather proud as i was reallllllly slack earlier in the year. leah and i are even trying fun runs which i am hoping i can actually RUN by the end of the year. i'm still with the asista program and stace is getting older before my eyes its scarey! her room has gone from an array of stuffed toys to band posters and stereos but she still only eats maccas and we watches kids movies so i'm safe yet. Still with Steve and going quite well although the new starcraft 2 game thing has come out so he's deep in hibernation. on the plus side he has passed his 1st semester this year so one more to go and he has to get a job! muhahaha. to keep ourselves busy we have started a bowling team with his sister and her hubby which is such an old couple thing to do its amusing. we are about to hit our 2 yr anniversary and i do worry that the shit will hit the fan in the next yr just becuase of past experience and the undeniable 2 yr rule most guys seem to have being - 2 yrs the lust faze ends and its all about make or breaking the deal. in other news amanda and costy got married and it was so amazing i cried at speeches. can't wait til shes back form her honeymoon to touch base on the whole thing. its bizarr to think someone so close getting married as i still feel like - scratch that- AM- such a baby! my little sis is back with the ben she was with before and has all these wild ideas about marriage and moving to NZ and studyign uni there etc which doesn't sound like such a bad idea if it works out but then who knows... at least she finished VCE, studying her child care dip and still sfae at home. Mum has lost amazing amounts of weight and even beat me by 4 minutes in the melb run which is rather embarrassing. dad is also back working between libraries and pottering along. anywho i am needed for a log role (don't ask...) so good night and many kisses to the virtual void that is the interwebs...
adieu

Bah!

2010-02-17T20:29:00.002+11:00

sup?
you know what? men seriously suck sometimes. ok so the background is steve had an exam the other day. as is traditionion he goes into lock down to procrastin... i mean study. this is normal, i figure 'will see him monday night anyways'. which i do because we have a bowling team with his sis and her husband. after we have dinner to make up for valintines (or due to the fact were starving - but i like the lable coz i'm a sap). after he is eager to go home because he is exhausted. i manage to talk him into staying for an hour longer as i kinda miss him. during that hour we gass bag abit catch up and then he announces he should really head home to bed. kinda bummed but fair enough. ' so when we catching up again?' 'oh this week sometime i guess' 'well i only have wed night free and you have tennis?' oh yeah and i'm taking dad to the soccer thurs, um maybe fri morn? i can't stay though coz mum needs the car for work friday arvo...' 'fair enough - thought we were going to the soccer?' 'oh yeah - well if we make it to the finals i'll take you - dad will prob get more out of it than you anyways hehe' i'm not being bitchy, i know he is at this point completely and utterly oblivious to the fact im disappointed.
its not that i care much about soccer - don't love it, don't hate it, but enjoy his company and like sharing the things he enjoys. in the bigger picture i am feeling quite bummed that this relationship seems to be uneven at present. i just want to catch up seen as how i rather like the guy, enjoy his company, been sidelined during his study freakout and played fair givin him space in that time but now it almost feels like he sees it as an inconvieniance seeing me. i mean yes he has no car but heaven forbid he catch a train - i'd be happy givin him a lift from his local if he could even be bothered. instead he seems quite happy with the few pathetic hours we manage saturday and monday nights and i just don't see how that can be satisfying.
on another note its not even the lack of face to face meetings that bug me as he seldom ever even makes contact anymore unless i iniate in fact i think he chats to my friends on WOW more than me at present. i'm not pining for talking for 3 hours on the phone about nothing like the early days, but even day to day txts seeing what the other is up to or prattling on about his day - for all i know until i send a random txt and he thinks to check or finds time bothering to reply - he could be lying in a gutter or sleeping with maranda kirr for all i know. its like having a completely separate life with the one person you confide the most in.
i don't know, how do you even tell guys this stuff without them overreacting and misinterpreting it as 'you see me more or i'm leaving you'. i don't want to give an ultimatums because it seems stupid but this is not cool grr and i just wish he would make the effort to show me he cares as much as i do or if he doesn't, let me know so i can get on living my life without wondering when he can make time to see me.

helps i can at least blog this ranting nonsense i guess :P. mum was so right - woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Not something i wish to mention

2009-12-18T04:02:00.003+11:00

Ok here is the plan and no i do not want to discuss it - i want to see how it pans out first before announcing it to the real world in case i fuck it up :P
step one: call Dr Nick (yes that is his real name...) and get prescription for CHAMPIX to assist in quitting smoknig and book 4 week follow up appointment.
step two: call EFM gym at hospital and sign up for membership starting january asap to avoid weight gain from said quitting
step three: suck it up and pay for a haircut before i have a car accident from behind my fringe (bangs for you yanks)
step four: figure out salary packaging options and negotiate car once commenced work
step five: develope fitness to point where i can run for more than 5 minutes without onset of death.
Hmmmm..... optimistic tonight - heres hoping!

Merry christmas

2009-12-17T01:43:00.006+11:00

Hello pussycats!
wow it has been a while since i updated this thing! hope everyone is well - life is still coasting quite well from this end i'm almost afraid it will come tumbling down in a firey heap! tehe. Since last post i can proudly announce i am back online thanks to my amzing steve - yes, only he of all people would think to get me the internet for christmas... and what can i say i don't think i would have actually got around to it without him :P. as for news in that field everything is doing well, really well actually! his folks are still oblivious to us but his sister and her husband are lovely - and even offered to help me filter through all this salary packaging nonsense for next year. its been over a year now and we're hitting some of those trivial milestones you reach in young love i guess. first up, his mom is currently in Romania visiting relatives so he has the joy/torture of visiting mine at my nannas house on christmas which will be interesting as my extended family on dad's side is very VERY english :P. the biggest challenge we'll have will be when i start working full time next year - and with the lovely non conventional hours of nursing thiings shall be interesting. i adore how optomistic he is about it though - while i panic he tells me to chill and reminds me that we can figure it out if we have managed this far. i feel like such a silly school girl as i still prattle on about him heaps as if we only started seeing eachother a month ago or something. i do like that we can talk about gossip, movies and childish things while banter about the prospect of ever living together and dragging him away from his mother (deal is i get to pick the house decor as long as he picks the electronics and couch haha). i guess we're ina prolonged honeymoon phase... le sigh.
in other news - i finally got my puppy!!!! His name is brody, he is now 11 weeks old and cute as a button. he is a cavoodle which is a poodle cross king charles cavalier this means he doesn't shed, has the most adoreable little face, is super smart and can go on decent walks without going crazy in my tiny unit. i must admit though after his first night of crying in the kitchen i have decided i am never (or maybe not for a long long time at least) having children - i value sleep far too much!
In even bigger news i should officially announce i am awaiting my registration as a division one nurse! my grad year has been finalised at monash medical center in clayton, my grades have been released and i passed everything! (to my utter amazement) and i have posted my application for registration - so now we are just waiting for the postman. even better i spoke to my boss at the agency about giving me work as a div 1 as they generally don't allow people to do agency until they have had 3 years experience givent he enormous accountability it involves but he has agreed and even offered to be my mentor and sit down with me to discuss what the role involves and how to overcome potential challenges that occur!
my sister has also just passed her VCE and will be commencing a certificate in child care next year at chilsom which should keep her out of trouble. shes had so many ups and downs and all her downs come self inflicted as far as i'm concerned but shes scraped threw. i really hope oneday she appreciates how lucky she is to get away with soem much crap and realise how easy she has it... then again pigs might fly.
my little cousin overseas will be returning home aswell shortly to start vet science at my old home ground la trobe which i am so excited about - not just coz i went there but because she will make such an incredible vet i couldn't imagine anything more perfect for her! plus i will save a fortune in check ups for my little man tehehehe.
back at home my room mate starts his personal training course next year aswell which will be a big role change as i've been the sorry schmuck studying all year now its his turn :P. hope it brings him wht ever he's looking for as i know he hates his job with a passion and it gets him seriously down which makes me worry about him and he works too hard and is too good a guy to have to put up with crap.
in terms of the social calander things have been rather low key since finsihing uni due to money matters but its been a good rest. i did manage to get a few days away here and there which was a treat and as its 0200 in the morning i am most excited at breakie at 0800 with erin - i can't believe she has never had cafe breakfast - its criminal!
work wise i'm waiting on my rego so i can get some nice pocket monies, otherwise i'm getting a fair bit of work atm which is handy as i was really paniced about rent and at this rate can at least get people xmas pressies come boxing day :P. i've even managed to extend my abilities beyond the frankston ED as i'm getting alot of shifts in psych and rehab whih is a bit of a change. god knows how i ended up in this profession and where the hell i'll be in it in 10 years time. guess we'll have to wait and see...
well thats about all for now.
many hugs and kisses into the void.

What better reason not to study!

2009-09-10T18:52:00.003+10:00

I always forget this exists until something comes up that i just need to scream from rooftops to save myself going crazyand remember i made this instead.
I just found out that a dear friend of mine (nearly 10 years...) has told my closest friend a whole spindle of lies aswell as to her own family. See she run up a high credit card debt and has no job so got a loan to pay for it. Her parents found a letter about it and confronted her and she told them I WENT TO JAIL!!!! and that i borrowed bail money from my room mate (not my folks of course....) and he needed help to cover it. While i am sad they believed this and disappointed she would stoop so low and not even tell me about such an absurd story she has since been busted after taking out yet another loan to cover her unemployed lifestyle and apparently has told them the truth. But it gets better!! Apparently she has also been feeding my best friend stories about me being a rampant alcoholic, drinking at my job and even better - stealing restricted drugs from work! Now i know alot of you don't quite know what i do or how hospitals work but i am what is called a NON MEDICATION ENDORSED DIVISION 2 nurse. This means i have absolutly no access to drugs aside from asking my Div 1 for a couple panadol if i have a headache!!! Yes, apparently i even had the nerve to stealvalium from her wallet while we were waiting for our mutal friend to have an operation. And as for drinking at work - you can't do my job drunk!! i wipe old ladies asses, insert needles in arms and am on my feet for virtually the entire day - i would not be able to do that plastered GAH!!!! Now your probably wondering how she came to know all this 'dodgy info' well she has told my friend that, as she is half itialian, she has contacts in the mafia and has all her closest friends and potential boyfriends 'checked' - WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FREAKING MIND WOULD PAY TO GET A BORING UNI BUM NURSE FOLLOWED!!!! I mean my life is dull but jeez with this under my belt i should have my own soap series!! Vicious little so and so. I know after this i will carry on infront of her as if nothing has happened and you know what - that is the sweetest thing about it. I safely think she has one friend left now and i'm so glad its not me. Her boyfriend, in another state, wants to dump her because shes clingy and of course i don't know that ;) and i don't think she will ever finish this degree and if she does she will be miserable at her chosen profession if this is her true character. I like my life, i study hard and work alot but i am excited about my job and graduating. I have a man who loves me to bits and have just celebrated an amazing 12 months with him and am excited about another ahead. I am poor but only in debt to centerlink and i live away from home, can survive by myself and have a diverse bunch of wonderful people in my life that i can consider genuin friends and i would never dream of attacking them or lying to them especially About anythign this ridiculous, spiteful and pathetic. I am almost regretful that she doesn't read this and wish i could be bother confronting her with what i truely think but at the end of the day she would lie some more and to be honest, if this is her she isn't worth the time of day in the first place! Good ridance and good luck you disgusting waste of space - may you never find happiness after treating people with such disrespect.

2009-07-30T05:42:00.002+10:00

hey kids,
its 5:45 in the frankston emergency dept. and i'm bored out of my mind. they've been swapping me from here to ther to everywhere but hey at least now i have a computer tehe. so whats news:
i passed my exams for this semester yey
i have all my grad applications in
still seeing steve and going wonderfully - he took me to avenue Q for my b'day which was amazing and tomorrow i mean today.... i am dragging him to the dali exhibition. its all fair i watch him play tennis and get dragged to soccer games but its all in the name of fun :P.
still living with darbs and really cruisy. kinda nice living with a guy as it dulls the crazies i believe.
finished my first semester clinicals and got amazing feedback so am extra happy about that.
mums on a super health kick and loosing heaps of weight which makes me feel guilty at how slack ive been as of late!
still catching up with my lovies wheni can and although money and time seem in short supply i love every minute of it. i managed to celebrate brads b'day buit missed my erins le sigh and i'm sure there are a hundred and one more events ive missed... but we'll get there!
my birthday has come and gone which was a rather non event but then i'm getting older and it seems the trend.
fake lil sis is awesome - goign to a bowling day this saturday where she and i plan on kicking butt.
normal lil sis is much the same - never quite sure what shes up too but she seems to be in one piece and happy.
grandma came down for some work at hospital but in her down town managed to drag me to every craft store and gormet greek deli in oakleigh.
dad is still studyign hard and attributes all my grades to his genetics tehe.
thats about it for tonight. time to get some actual work done i guess.
many hugs and kisses anyone who still glances at this. i think i keep it for my own amusement these days lol...

I have a cold and no facebook

2009-04-29T12:45:00.002+10:00

I'm waiting until i am required to go to my ward for clincal and i have a rotten cold. its my own stupid fault i ahd a crazy big day yesterday waking up at the crack of dawn to complete an assignment i was working on and get it in ASAP as it was already a day late then bolted to clinical which of course i was late to aswell and then headed to trace's to do my laundry as i still don't have a washing machine. in all smart style i then sat up on the phone all night talking to steve as our stupid busy scheduals mean we can't spend any time together this week so need to catch up in our 'down time' meaning betweenthe hours of 11 pm and 2 am.... sigh.
we moved house at last! we had it organised for saturday but friday night alan got a massive truck form work but we could only keep it until 12pm the next day so friday night in the cold dark and rain we loaded all our crap and moved house. saturday was more of the same and alot more organising and cleaning in between and i felt so stupid. i fell asleep unpacking clothes and didn't make it to erins and compltetly forgot i was even meant to g until i got a text. sunday we then put the completion of massive unassignment still incomplte aside to work for 8 hours in mornington of all places - not wise but paid me. so now it is wednesday i'm tired i'm sick and i need a break but it all seems so far off its tragic.
i know i know what my cousin would be sayin now - suck it up princess - i am just tired and sick of study and want a holiday. on th eplus side my new house has ducted heating :D

Amazement!

2009-04-17T16:50:00.001+10:00

I HAVE A HOUSE! Yes my darlings today we got confirmation that we indeed have been approved for a 2 bedroom unit inMckinnon and are set to move on the 25th! I am so excited - so much still to do... speak soon! xo

You know your a student when...

2009-04-08T00:42:00.003+10:00

Tragic student moment: Today I ate cerial for lunch from a cup with a fork because we have run out of dishes and i had been studying all morning and failed to realise and clean any...
I need a house. I hope i can afford it. I hope we get approved for one particularly as clinical starts in over a week. what the fuck am i doing. not comfortable in my parents home. too poor to really be out. unspoken comeradere i can't back out from. debts still outstanding. i sometimes wish i could just go to sleep and wake up to a pleasant emptiness. a world where the most challenging thing in life is what nail colour i want to apply. i know i have friends but day by day money and time seem so scarce that i feel more and more alone. wish i could have a normal relationship - to be so in love but so far apart at the same time. i worry about my health - don't smoke, dirnk less and for god sake do more exercise but then again i seriously cbf'd.
Trapped in the void. No sense of certainty. Drink another glass, deny another day it is very much a cycle. One year proceeds the last and each its own trials and tribulations. I just wish i had a better idea of what is going to happen. Will i be content? Is it worth the struggle? Am i making the right decision? Is everything screaming past me faster than i can seem to grab? will i succeed? Am i happy? will i ever be truely so??
God what a head fuck some days... and to think its not even thursday yet.

musing

2009-04-03T00:04:00.002+11:00

To have lived and loved and lost is what we are here for. Everything happens for a reason. their is no easy way to accomplish anything but the jounrney is what we should thrive for. be glad in the company you keep, happy with the whole person you are from your outsides to your insides to the crazy thoughts in your head and everytime you have a regret or fear that makes your stomach turn, your face crunch up and go hot and gives you the urge to crawl into a ball and die just rememeber it thought you something. the good the bad and the ugly make us who we are and let us teach those lessons to the people we love the most. Laugh loud, laugh often and prey the first wrinkles you get are smile lines. never take life too seriously. go for a walk and smell the flowers. eat a really crappy unhealthy meal and savour it - don't feel guilty and if you do you are already conscious about your lifestyle and will know what to do. call your mum and dad - remind them they made you who you are. wake up without an alarm clock and reflect when you awake how good it feels to be safe and warm and cherished. goodnight my darlings and a millions good wishes into the void tonight because who knows what tomorrow will bring!!
xoxo

Woaw the power...

2009-03-30T01:29:00.002+11:00

Yo my homies! hehe.... well its getting onto 1:30 in the mron and i am only 3 and a half hours into my shift and want to go home. I'm working tonight and it is purely poverty induced. its rather cool here i am the only staff on thus there is no one to tell me what todo or check up on what i'm doing. rather daunting if something fucks up though.... a simple call uzzer went off an hour ago and i thought it was a smoke alarm! i actually have class at 9 am and don't know what state i'll be in during the lecture but know i have to go. not much in the news of late. my little sis went to court for writting off her car earlier last year and has recieved a fine and 6 month suspention which is actually a better outcome than i expected. i am once again questioning my living stability as they are attempting to sell our house and shane has decided he wants to travel europe and move home anyway leavin darbs and i hunting the market up carneigi way (i'lll learn to spell it correctly when i sign the lease....). uni is progressing nicely - can feel it ending already hehe and i am relativly on top of my work load for once. i got news that i will be doing my acute clinical placement on the burns/plastics unit of the alfred which is totally amazing! friday night steve and i went to the pub(s) and met an aray of random weirdos then somehow ended up on the beach, bypassed a fish and chip shop and embarked home again. next day we made pancakes and i dropped him at his sisters joint for what i dread to be a long painful day of tennis. quiet night next week me thinks. it is rather frustrating i must admit. he isn't actually allowed to stay over so we lie each time he does. his parents don't actually want him going out with me not because they don't like me or even know me they just think he should see someone serbian... but there is little either of us can do and the issues get way more complex and its a case of suck it up unitl your employed and living in your own home. i don't know i would generally be tempted to throw in the towel but their is somehing there that just keeps telling me its going to be worth it - just hope i'm not deluding myself :P. as far as i know he adores me to death as much as i do him and we're still so young and have so much to figure out in our own lives so for the moment i'm happy. Went to jesse's 24th on saturday night and remained relatively sobre after friday ngiht in funky town with steve but still had a rather great time! i don't know what it was i just felt really at ease and it felt so refreshing and pleasant catching up with so many friendly faces again. in other news i had lunch with my old roomie ang and we found bobble head pirates! i think i shall collect them and make them a feature in my house ... or maybe not. was fun though we had a classy lunch, bantered for hours and hours and hours as we do best and i hope we don't keep it too long between visits. i know i can be notorious for falling off the face of the earth when time runs off on me. my fake little sister stace and i are going bike riding on wednesday which will be a healthy change from maccas. actually last time we caught up she nearly kicked my butt at bowling. you know you can't play when you are almost beaten by a 13 yr old with the bumpers on!! in other news my parents are visiting the grand high pubah of rotary i assume in hobart so i am making regular checks on the little one to ensure the dogs haven't died and shes eating. still not getting much work which is a pain but i am s fulll on with uni and worrying about housing that it is the last ting i can be bothered worrying about. otherwise my lovelies i have run out of things to talk about! well i'm sure there is more but that would just be babbling...goodnight and goodbye!

Good kitty

2009-03-16T22:41:00.002+11:00

Woman are so catty sometimes...
I knocked off froma rather long day and thought i'd bum with trace and the flick for tea before heading home to the books and i had this uneasy feeling. they can just get so vicious and start insulting everyone. plus, i always feel like i might aswell talk to the cat because thats the only one listening or if they do listen they somehow find it lame and make stupid inuendoes.... i guess it jus had me thinking ' crap if they are my friends i would hate to see what my enemies are like'.
But enough of that, i guess living with the boys has sheltered me from that mentality for a while and it was a shock to the system.
so in the news. well i am now officially in frankston. i have a new jo but thye gave me no work in the last week which freaked me out abit so now i have another 2 job interviews tomorrow which i am hoping will be more promising. i had my first weekend off in god knows how long and was climbing up the walls! saw watchmen with steve sun night and it was awesome. even better is he's actually read the book so we spent another 3 hours after the movie breaking it down and thinking about it and yes i know its nerdy and lame and i am sick of justifying to my pathetic comrades why i enjoy thinking about things like this. to me a man who can hold a solid conversation with deep thought on philosophy and politics one moment and be watching silly lame cartoons or be making a forte out of the bed linen with me the next is far better than any plastic fantastic wannabe ken doll on offer!
in other news i am back at uni and it is well uni. nothing amazing - just is. but i will be qualified soon so yey! i am currently procrastinating on an assignment about the correct procedure in inserting a central line .. oh the joy...
thats about all actually. my lil sis turned 21 and we had a bbq in Rye whcih was full of plastic teeny boppers playing singstar till all hours and quite painful but obligitary. i spent a good 6 hours frantically scrubbing down the brunswick house and left it immacualte and wreacking of bleach (muhahaha). steve and i had our 6 month and valentines day which was quite awesome. i got flowers, fancy dinner and we went to a soccer match where someone actually scored! multiple times infact!! i look foreward to getting out abit more now i'm closer to everyone but it never goes according to plan. on that note - goodnight my darling! til next we meet...

Resign

2009-02-25T16:48:00.002+11:00

I gave my resignation in today. mildly daunting as i don't have a job lined up yet. i'm also squatting as i put it, in my own house. my possessions in boxes, my food in canned form and i try to spend as little time bored in my own company as possible giving it a very transient feel. I guess one could think of these as the gypsy days :P.
oh the stories i will be able to tell of this year when all is said and done.

New Time Low

2009-02-24T00:15:00.002+11:00

If i ever had to give an academy award speech i would simply stutter something like 'holy crap i got it? fuck, FUCK! oh my god? awesome, really??'. I am truely amazed at how composed these guys are. i think the saddest thing about me is i cry during the oscars. i can't help it, i just imagine myself there in the hype, my entire professional career on the line, in the light telling the world all the amazing people who made me get there - i just cry and grin :P.
anyways another day of school ahead i'll do a real update thingy soon - possibly after ive actually moved as there is little to report right now.
cheers my dears. xoxo

One of those nights

2009-02-12T01:39:00.002+11:00

Its 1:30am on a (...what day is it now...) thursday morning i guess and i've had one of those days. it began returning home from a night shift which was exceptionally average. i was woken from my sleep by my mother informing me that a woman i cared for years ago had passed away and did i wish to attend the funeral. as i was sleeping it was a no but not a nice way to begin as i did like this patient. she was in a nursing home because she was blind and had her sight restored last year only to pass away on the operating table last week while attempting to fix some obstruction. i then caught up with the little sis and saw Bolt. cute movie - amazed me how pricy the tickets were though :S. then my room mate called to tell me she had gotten the house she applied for. while i wanted to jump up and down and celebrat for her fantastic news the only thing that i could think of is 'crap! in 28 days i am homeless'. meanwhile my future roommate told me she wants to move richmond or kew instead as her placement has bee moved to lilydale. i just can't find places out there. nothing is available. i feel so hopeless. everything is so expensive. so i cried with ang over my frustration which while pathetic made me feel so good as i have wanted to cry for about a month now but it just never comes out. earlier this week trace got me deep and meaningful over cheap champas and of course i spilt all my problems which felt somewhat therapeutic aswell. i just feel like i have no control, no plan, no destination - i am living on a limb. guess i'll just see what happens. as usual when my mind errupts i end up wide awake at stupid hours watching whitlam music videos. then of course i hit the odd track that resurects a memory i don't quite need. ' I will not go quietly' brings me back to when life was easy - i left school i felt powerful and it all seemed infinitly possible and wonderful, 'don't believe anymore' is the song i leave to my first heart break, my ex. we had coffee the other day and it was nice. we were friendly, he laughed because i still like my shoes and crockery and it was very civil. like old friends and not a trace of lovers which i did find odd. what did bug me was that fear of judgement form my peers. those close tell me i should never talk to him or his family at all as it is dangerous and cruel to my current boyfriend but i don't see how. i love my ex in the sense that we share a history and i will forever hope he is happy and well but i don't want to be with him anymore. in fact i adore my current boyfriend and would never trade one for the other. i tell him when i catch up with my ex and he doesn't seem fussed so why do outsiders feel the need to judge? i just don't know. now they play 'thankyou' which reminds me of every night out with my amigos. they keep me safe, they keep me sane and i wouldn't be the same person without them. hmmm i think i have ranted enough. i shall send this to the void and retire me thinks. sweet dreams my darlings yet another night travels. xoxo

Bushfires '09

2009-02-08T23:04:00.002+11:00

Today i realised my naivity. Bushfires have always been apart of Australian folk law to me. I don't mean this in anyway to be offensive or undermine the devistation this weekend has brought us but in my lifetime the typical bushfire only hits the most isolated rural areas of victoria with names i have never heard or and can bearly pronounce. the death toll hits 4, the media flogs it for 3 days and it paves the way for the next years fire warning adverts. But this weekend all of that changed. Its 11:30 on a sunday night and the death toll has hit 84 and rising. over 700 houses are lost and rising. every hospital in melbourne is full to capacity with burns victims. aid organisations can't give enough for the massive number of people effected. in my head i just can't help feeling for the victims. imagine dying like that, in a fire, cooked through, suffocating and the worst pain imaginable. then there are those who have lost it all be in memories possessions or loved ones. ive never lost anything so significant and can't imagine the grief that has only begun. i keep wondering if we could have done more? we should have phyically forced people to leave early, could have detected or planned for it more effectively.... something! we knew we had stupid weather about for the frst time in Australian history, we knew from black friday and ash wednesday how bad it gets but third time on its worse?!!? i feel like if you don't learn from history your doomed to repeat it and we sure as hell did. in a broader context i can't get my head around the carnage. so many people lost, so much sadness and ruin. i always feel things happen for a reason - but this i can think of no reason. no karmic balance being forefilled, no rightous act of any decent god i would want to exist. it is completely and utterly senseless. tonight i send my thoughts to the void with a heavy sadness and simply hope if anything human kindness and community can prevail in such crisis. Tomorrow i am donating blood and anyone out there who reads this i urge to do the same. not just for today - for the weeks and months to come for these people who have suffered the worst physical trauma. they will need transfusions for some time to come and will forever have the scars aswell as the memories which blemish beneath the surface of the skin for even longer. goodnight Victoria - no one sleeps quiet tonight.

Only thing that sucks about holidays are the sleeping patterns...

2009-01-16T00:05:00.002+11:00

Evening my darlings. yes, i should be asleep. i tried it didn't work. so now the musics on and i feel like blogging. hardcore as i am... actually my mind is playing tonight. a dear friend, actually the bro of my ex is currently goign through a tough time. I've been to see him, gave him the usual mantra about doing something with his life, pat him on the back and reminded him how smart he is if only he would give it a chance. my best mate is also going through a tough time of her own and i can in no way comprehend how hard it must be so simply try and offer my time and shoulder if needed. i guess it makes me think about why i am in these peoples lives. i think its like fate. you enter a persons life for a reason. for my dear fake little bro i guess it makes me realise that had i not been with my ex i would not have developed such a strong attatchment to the kid and hense would not be able to be there while he goes through such an awkward patch. for my mate, if i weren't here i don't even want to think about what she would be going through all by herself right now and then i think of the people who mean something to me. my room mate hasn't been around lately which has made me realsie she kinda keeps me together - i.e. when i went through stressful moments at uni she held me together and i really miss her company right now. i think of the bf and how he came along completely out of the blue when i had honestly given up on the idea of romance again. moreso i think of my folks and how moving out has brought us closer as they still protect me and push me in the right direction but somehow we have developed a relationship more akin to close friends, particularly with my mother. strange i guess. i suppose i should go to bed now :P.

blah

2009-01-08T14:14:00.002+11:00

i think i have a hit of meloncholy today. just feel flat. i suspect this is boredom induced. i miss my room mate - the cat just doesn't make the grade. have cleaned the house, done the odd ends i needed to and now i have nothing to do. possibly be working tonight but again work with an agency is never a certainty. mungrels they be. ah well enough blithering. maybe i can find a movie to watch.

Hmmm

2009-01-07T22:18:00.002+11:00

My head hurts. Not sure if its just a normal headache or the result of overthinking. Sometimes i wish i were born completely vacuous. Bubbly blond and so self absorbed that the most frustrating thought of the day were what shoes match an outfit... gr.

Because we all ramble in the wee hours...

2009-01-05T01:15:00.002+11:00

I love this hour of night in my neighbourhood. Its 1:18 am on a monday morning and their is not a sound about. All children are asleep, the yuppies have flown back to their nests ready for an early wakeup call and the usually congested freeway down the hill lies dormant. Me? Well what else can a reformed insomniac, uni bum with a day off ahead do at such an hour but update a blog. We recently hit the new year/christmas run which was a lovely event this year/last year. In fact it was a good one this time:
Christmas eve was spent just the 4 of us out at a cheesy Yankee theme restaurant which i happened to arrive late to only to find my family taking bets on what i would order being some derranged health freak they see me as. conversation was upbeat and no one cried!! we saw madagaska together which was a cute little flick and my sis and i closed the night by catching up with some of my old school friends in franga which i really enjoyed.
No blood shed at family dinner - in fact my family and i had a lovely day. My sis and i picked up the Trace after bypassing maccas for breakie and dragged her home. after so many years she might as well be blood :P. We ate heaps, i was only briefly critisied for being an alcho with my glass of wine over the meal and i got to speak to my dear aunt in NSW who is also a nurse and i think about abit actually. My sis got me an awsome spice rack, folks got me some clothes and a cute cat cookoo clock and i got home at a decent hour to chill with furry pants and digest.
Boxing day was another story. I am not made for retail. A friend scored me a job working 12 hrs at MYER for $40 and hr which sounded great in theory but in fact meant spending a full day with ppl who are mean rude, ugly and horrid! I was trapped in homewares tissue wrapping plates for the day for demanding housewives. I did survive of course and even walked out with a lovely serving plate and a vase :P.
New Years was pretty awsome. Bunch of us went camping out to Warburton (yet again...) and this time Flick and i prepared for anything! We brought enough junk to survive us a year out there rather than the single night we actually stayed for. The next morning we nursed our hungover heads at a local cafe before clearing out. What made it especially cool was this was the first new years since i was about 13 yrs old which i spent with my lil sis. i hope she makes this year count - she has a long road ahead getting back on the study wagon but i think she's ready. shes come a long way so far and still has a fair way to go... guess we'll see what happens. Trace was clean and sober for the first new years in a long long time and like my sis i hope this year works for her too.
Flick Z and i are gearing up for the old move out which is all very exciting. She even managed to win us a black tacky plasic jesus clock for the living room in a dance off at our last trivia night hehe. Still in early stages but we're aiming for Camberwell, Malvern, Hawthorn east ... or anywhere in the general area that will have us!
Steve and i get to 4 months this jan which is really cool. yes, i'm a sap who's been hooked - line and sinker. I guess even with all my silly insecurities, that if nothing works out its important to blog these things now so in god knows how many years i can look back at this and remember the moments which get me to where ever i end up. He is gorgeous though. Listens to more random music than i do! Is interested in the state of the world. Loves his soccer, plays tennis and coaches midgets for a job. Real smart cookie too - aside from his uni course, he has an uncanny knack at fixing gadgets which i admire because i am convinced i emit electromagnetic waves that just fry whatever technology hits my path. Only down side to this is a huge fixation on gaming which i never had the patients or motivation to explore so i'll leave that world to him. He lives at home after realising living on res is bad for the health and typically leads to academic suicide. His family are unbelievably lovely, although i have never been so nervous meeting anyones parents in my life. We can talk for ages and never seem to run out of topics which i find unique and he makes me feel like the most amazing woman on the planet even with the craziness.
As for work - well i had a crap day today so i won't even bother except to say i love my job because i can make a real impact on the state of someones day and i dislike meeting anyone who abuses that role or cannot appreciate its impact to the full extent to which it deserves.
Am excited about the new year! One of my dearest is getting hitched! I shoudl be fully qualified come the end of the year and who knows what else is in store! On that note - goodnight my darlings. May 2009 bring you a new year of adventures too. xoxo

i have a grand plan!

2008-12-25T23:11:00.002+11:00

i will update this in the next few days but i just wanted you to know that i thankyou. anyone who reads this i am blessed that they listen. i have had a huge year which i seldom appreciate. every person is amazing! christmas is a bizzarr time of year where we think about what our loved ones mean and right now i feel like i have so many people out there who would notice if i wasn't there and that is the best gift in the most morbid sense i guess as i always feel possessions are fleetings but the memory of those who matter is eternal.
goodnight my darlings

I like this hehe

2008-11-23T18:51:00.000+11:00

You are a VIOLIN/VIOLA/CELLO.
You are the epitome of richness and smoothness and passion rolled all into one. Like the taste of a ridiculously expensive European Dark Chocolate bar, you satiate the soul in a way that nothing else can. At times mournful, at times blissful, at times tranquil, at times burning with a fiery passion, your many facets all share the same expressive colors as those produced by the violin, viola, and cello.

stupid fates...

2008-11-18T00:59:00.002+11:00

well its been quite an adventure.i've officially been free of examness for over a week now and am waiting for the holiday bit to begin. tonight was a bit of a shut down - i finally have a night free with no work tomrrow morning so i decided to have a lazy one and enjoy it. i fixed a nice dinner, steve came by, we watched thankyou for smoking and a couple bond flicks and in between he's patting cat face. this triggered a huge allergic response which resulted in us calling it a night and him driving home in the stupid hours of the morning... so now i'm stuck wide awake, watching lame movies by myself! meh! ok now thats out the system ... tomorrow we commence operation 'babysit parents house...' this is going to be fun - not only do they have food, but they have a pool, air con and foxtel. yey! thats about all i can come up with for now. lvoe you my darlings

Kebabs.

2008-11-02T19:54:00.002+11:00

is it just me or is the world becoming way too technical? its almost 8pm on a sunday and i've had a long hellish day at work then home to some readings for my exams and hunger strikes so i decide to venture over to sydney road. this is like main street coburg (cogurb is not an english speaking region of victoria funny enough which is probably what attracted me to moving near here in the first place) so in the array of take away shops i got into the one i can pronouce - 'kabab kingdom' in search of food. before my eyes are like 12 families all speaking loudly with big hand gestures, almost as many people behind the counter working fast while talking loudly and little me in my highschool sweatshirt, track pants and thongs. so i try and order what i know - a kebab. turns out this isn't so easy - they have almost 18 kinds. i mispronounced what i thought i wanted and mumbeled yes and nos to this 4'5 woman yelling to me from just behind the counter, paid, tucked my tail between my legs and left. what an ordeal. now i'm sitting on the computer and i realise why i don't venture for kebabs during daylight hours while sobre and save the novelty for 3am stubeling down peel st - all i can taste from here on is garlic. not the subtle mind overtones from fine pizza but a full solid stentch that even the cat is put off by. yes, this is one world of international cuisine i may avoid until i can do some more research....

a good night

2008-10-29T22:51:00.002+11:00

hello my darlings,
i had a good night. my old rromy leah and i caugth up to vent on the stress of uni etc and it was very nice :P. i like the odd night off - seems such a novelty! must share my weekend though. sat steve came by (all the way from hamptom park!) to cook me pancakes for breakfast at 8am to kill a few hours before we both took off again for the afternoon. it may not seem that amazing but this time of year we're both super busy with exam prep and it meant more than you can imagine for him to take even the shortest time out to see me. i feel like such a stupid school girl, but its like being around him makes time stop. like every anxiety i have about the future or whats going on at the time just disappears and we can sit and babble about our interests in politics, music, life or even just complete crap for hours. that arvo i went with my insane midre to see wicked and it was fantastic there were great bits and some really awful bits but i still got teary seeing that curtain call, wishing i were them. i love the stage can't wait til i can go back. se la vie. anyways one more assignment left then two exams and freedom. no idea whats to come beyond next friday but franky don't care as long as it isn't uni :P
good night my darlings
many hugs! xoxo

another wednesday ... i think

2008-10-22T22:54:00.002+11:00

i hate uni. i mean i like that i must be smart enough to complete the bloody stuff so far, but i'm so sick of studying. i hate stressing on days off that i should be doing assignments.... or working because i know i will be poor for the next few weeks because of them! i want to be picking blueberries in a hick town without the pressure of life lurking beside me. time i guess. love you ,y darlings - i'm free as of the 8/11/2008. harrass me as much as you like!!!! til then keep you posted

Monday.

2008-10-20T18:50:00.001+11:00

long day. i'm so tired - got the 3rd essay in though! yey only 3 to go! then a couple silly exams and freedom!

Quiet please, there's a lady on the stage

2008-10-17T00:27:00.002+11:00

its 12:34 am. i went to bed somewhere around 10:30. at 12 ish i woke up really hot (stupid blankets...) from a freaky dream. short time (maybe 5 min?) later my phone is flashing. i silence the bloody thing so i can sleep and check stupid late night random msgs in the morning. it was my ex. his grandmother passed away tonight and hour or so ago. shes been sick for a long while and just really deteriorated over last 2 weeks. i knew her pretty well, she would confide thoughts/feelings to me when we got some space. i always admired her i guess knowing her life story and everything shes done and yet at 80 something she still wears bright pink lippy, hates being stuck on the 'old' table at weddings and loves champaign and mini sausagerolls for dinner :P. she asked if i would go see her while she was sick and i was abit reluctant but after putting it off i did. yesterday. i sat with her for an hour, she was so drugged up she didn't know who i was fell asleep then woke 10 minutes later and greeted me with 'oh darling when did you get here?'. i said my goodbyes, reminded her how amazing she has been and thanked her and left. i told my ex that was the last time i would be going to the hospital. i'm not quite clear why i just knew i wasn't going back there. don't think its a knack maybe just an instinct but for now i'm actually glad. i hate hospitals. i'm glad she has peace - shes with her husband. she is forever loved. she passed away today a lucky finally free woman.

'Nursing?? thats a long way from law or opera...'

2008-10-07T16:55:00.003+11:00

hehe i just spoke to an old friend of mine from yankeeville and she hadn't heard i was doing nursing. i guess it made me reflect on how different my life has worked out since my orginal plans. in news of late i was not successful with my myer application but still have the david jones interview ahead. i have my first big sister training session this saturday after 2 very wonderful interviews. gotta say they asked me some pretty confronting questions i was abit throw on a few of them. clincal is going fantastic i am loving every day of it despite the unfortunate demise of my specs which didn't survive my attempt to catch a volleyball with my face. i did my first mental state examination and it went well - i even sounded like the other third years hehe. clincal has been quite an adventure all my patients are either paranoid schitzophrenics or have borderline personality disorder but each seems quite open and interesting to talk to. mad eme learn alot about mental illness although i don't think its going to be my field for some time to come - i miss the bells and whistles of acute. in other news my little sis is staying with me for a few days so i have specially found 2 meals to teach her to cook because she at this point has the domestic skills of a pot plant. work is well work and doesn't phase me much although so many of my favorite staff are leaving me all alone :(.
finally before any more of you hassle me yes i am seeing someone and it is still very very early on and going slow. we met through my room mate, hes another sorry student except his course is in fourth year of law/economics which is much scarier in my eyes. its all very exciting and new and makes me feel incredibly girly but vulnerable at the same time. i do find it great though that we can talk for literally hours on the phone and still have conversation left when we see eachother :P. kinda given me a pick up but at the same time life has so much more running around i'm feeling quite rejuvenated. will update laterz my darling. before i leave though i want to send a huge hug to all of you who read this... unless your some scarey weirdo i haven't actually met before... truth is this year has been such a whirl wind but the love of you guys has been so consistant. i don't know of many people who have such loyal beautiful people supporting them through being in person of merely just in thought and i want you to know it means the world to me.
ciao for now. xo

writting a new chapter

2008-09-12T12:53:00.003+10:00

change is in the air! excitement brewing my lovelies! to begin i am a brunette again. i couldn't keep up with the demnads of regrowth so decided to throw in the towel and go back to basics. this has been odd as every time i look in the mirror i get surprised at the person staring back until it clicks ... :P.
i had a group interview today at Myer in melboune and i think it went quite well actually. guess i'll keep you all posted with that one!
i am no longer doing my clincal placement at St Vincents in November - instead i have been head hunted to do a placement at a criminal psychiartic ward in fairfeild! the joint looks, ok i guess it is, a prison! so i'm scared to death but totally stoked hehe. my lecturers and work have been great in letting me reschedual my annual leave early and submit essays in late and i don't know whats in the air or water but everything is moving fast and fantastic right now!
it may not be the trifector or anywhere close but i am excited and feel like i'm heading in new a direction, oblivious of where it goes!
thats all to report for now. mwah!

heading home wednesday

2008-09-07T10:00:00.002+10:00

see you soon kids. strangest feeling: grandpa made me what i call 'hangover breakfast'ie big big breakie but a. i hadn't been drinking and b. it was at 7:30 am on a SUNDAY! strange things happening i tells ya.
spent most of yesterday taking care of the property. not used country type existence. update later pussy cats. hope all is safe and congrads to my room mate for finally after all this time scoring a job she WANTS!

Peaceful

2008-09-05T18:30:00.002+10:00

i like it up here. it has a strange serentity. i feel like i'm far away in a secret world external from that which i left. there are no dead lines. no musts or must nots. just sunlight. peace. me and my thoughts. the more i get to know my grandparents the more i understand myself. i feel strong here. powerful and free to an extent. guess we'll see what melbourne brings when i get home...

Yo.

2008-09-04T08:56:00.002+10:00

well its been nothing lower than 26 degrees here so far and i've had to go buy some singlets and shorts because when mum said dress for summer it didn't occure to me that i only know how to dress for a melbourne summer. everything is kinda backwards up here. people are too friendly, cars drive real slow and yet they always have stuff about the latest car accidents in the news. houses are HUGE and everyone has a back yard. my grandpa loves cooking but makes the main meal for lunch so i find myself eating sandwhiches for dinner watching crap tv. they go to bed at 8:30 so i just camp out until the 11ish mark in front of the talking idiotbox or a book. they also, however, get up at 5am every morning. this is crazy!! although i must say i haven't woken up once through the night since being here. gradnmas still not out of the woods. they can't find anything wrong and are running yet more tests. she seems to be dehydrating faster than they can fill her with fluids and she is in general feeling crapola! not to mention they have her stuck on this ward of REAL old people so she's somewhat starved of interesting conversation even. see what happens i guess. meanwhile another day and i need to pick grandpa up from his legacy war widow appeal thing. i must say it is so cute. my grandpa worries alot and my grandma pushes his buttons and they bicker like little kids. its so cute. they have two dogs and when they miss behave they call them after my mum and her late brother. during the day grandpa muddles along with his war memorabilia and grandma makes china dolls the house is like a monument to hobbies i swear! kinda hope i can get top this stage but not for a long long long while!!
miss you melbourne :( oh crazy dream last night to end with. i dreamt about red wine last night. odd because i haven't had wine since erin and i had dinner but yeah i dreamt a dream about drinking red wine and hae idol conversation with something i guess.... must be the heat :P
ciao

queensland

2008-08-31T20:55:00.002+10:00

i just got word i'm been flown to queensland tuesday to look after my grandpa. turns out my grandmas in hospital in renal failure. her GP wouldn't listen last few weeks when they kept saying she was sick and blamed it all on her sons death a few months back. so because i'm the only one on holidays in the family i'm goin up to make sure grandpa gets 3 meals a day and can be driven to the hospital. truth be told i'm scared to death and feel really sad and anxious and un prepared. update soon i guess. btw sorry panda i won't be there sat :( will make it up over coffee soon!! xoxo

canceled

2008-08-28T13:55:00.002+10:00

ever feel like their is a great party going on and everyone is at having the best time and your the only one not there? i don't know why but this is how i feel today. stupid thought i know probably just a side effect of this headache from last nights wine. all aside though today is a frustrating day. i was called this morning for a shift at a close by nursing home, agreed, canceled trivia and planned my day to get to it and now at 2:00 (one hour before the bloody shift starts) i get a call saying its canceled. lame. i need money i need work. i may hate my job and feel a little bitmore of my soul dying each shift but by the same token i still have bills to pay and a lifestyle to fund grrr. ah well on the plus side i applied for christmas work today and am eager to see if anything comes of it. not much more to rant for now. cooking stuffed capsicums for dinner and they take forever to cook so might check on that. keep it real pussycats!

Don't know where i lost the plot

2008-08-26T12:49:00.002+10:00

i seriously have no idea what i'm doing anymore. i would love to say that i am working hard on these essays and working as much as i can to get some security for next year. instead i'm working when i need to, i am badly procrastinating on my essays and i am finding some excuse to exercise daily as panting mindelessly for a few hours is quite relaxing right now. i'm trying not tothink of him but i do and have everyday and still experience a crazy spectrum of emotion from hate, sadness, lose, peace then back to loss and occassional futility. early last week my mum suggested i join the army and get this i actually considered it! i even did a few gym classes last week designed for ADFA conditioning. but i don't want to be an officer, i don't want to go to woop woop in starchy clothes and know i was bound to that lifestyle/career for god knows how many years. i want a new job but so far most places are still laying low and 'holding my resume until suitable' which again perpetuates this nothingness between essays. i've been seeing friends, meeting randoms getting phone numbers but it always ends the same... 'it was great meeting you and your a really nice guy, and maybe someday for i'm just not ready for anything for a while, sorry'. nothing just seems to grab me anymore. anyother lame moment is i'm getting a new mattress today as my old one was 28 years old (which is 5 years older than i initially thought) and although i am stoked and can't wait i keep remembering the time when we were in bed and the spring came through the mattress and made us laugh madly at the reality of how crap the mattress really was... i miss him in bed. when its dark, cold and quiet. i miss the company the warm the love. even the morning after waking up and watching him sleep - like looking at a little kid so far away and peaceful. now the only thing that shares the bed is the mountain of books, a laptop or the cat - none of which are very comfy to snuggle up with. ok i need to think positive... it was actually sunny when i went swimming this morning?? that was pretty impressive. can't wait til the weather warms up a bit more though as the breeze makes it a rather painful dash to the change rooms from the outdoor area. on another good note ang and i are going back to the healthy eating plan next week which i miss. the food we've had over the last month or so has been pretty tragic and ang keeps getting mad when i don't finish everything on the plate even though its like double the size of what i was getting used to. ah well such is life. anyoneout there reading this crap and hasn't given up yet i want to see cat on a hot tin roof with MTC if anyone wants to join me let me know. i've given up asking individual people as most don't end up liking real plays. ciao for now pussy cats!

One Art

2008-08-22T22:21:00.001+10:00

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

Gotta love music - always makes the broken heart sadder ey?

2008-08-22T22:12:00.001+10:00

(Don't judge me because its an ABBA song!)
I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

just wish i could say i told you so!

2008-08-20T23:54:00.002+10:00

i have very little intuition but i coudl so see this coming. my little sister earlier this year got her license. and a month before that she bouth a new car like brand $20000 new. and on monday last week she wrote it off... thankfully shes ok. turns out she was just really really tired on her way to work, ut her head down to adjust the heating and ended up crashing into the barriers ... on the other side of the road. on the plus side catching up with her this evening was actually quite nice. she did my hair and we gas bagged about our lives and she didn't drive me crazy or say anything i wanted to strangle her for or anything. nothing much else happened today. went to work, went to lecture, came home cooked meatballs and pasta then went to body attack class at Y. i know its stupid writing this in a blog but i have noticed lately that i don't talk to many people during the workin day - well no one who really wants to listen. so i blog it and pretend that someone gives a damn. still feeling pretty average. wish i could be happier, or at least find a like mind to talk to. pretty dull when ur out on ur own. funny thing that creeps up on me know and then is that no one gives a damn where i am ever. not that if i didn't come home for days people wouldn't ring but just in general i can go out all night and it would be nobodies business and as independant and thirlling as that can be it makes me feel so insignificant to the world. no more i can think or even have the energy to thorw down right now so back to the book i guess. ciao

My friend tracey

2008-08-19T15:58:00.002+10:00

ever look at your life and parody it with something you've heard somewhere else? well for those of you in melbourne we have a great radio duo called hamish and andy that play weekday arvos on fox. now they used to have a sketch featuring one of the boys roommates hoags titled ' hoags thoughts'. it was usually a quick bit where they would reflect on a completely rediculous statement he had made or someting he had done and laugh about the absurdity of it. now i liked this segment but it had nothing on my friend tracey. the two of us have been friends since highschool and as i've grown and traveled and searched for my path in life she has moved from one form of government housing to another and tried every course under the sun. employment has included several months as a carer for a middle aged quadraplegic which she was let go from after a fickel sexual harrassment claim, 'delivering' local junk mail (of which most i found in her recycling bin) and volunteer work at the local op shop ... which as it is not paid (call me crazy) DOESN'T COUNT AS A JOB!
now trace and i have little in common except that we like to drink, have done some vague study in law and went to the same highschool. this is quite enough for us to enjoy a night out though. unfortunitly she has an abundance of free time aside and loves to call me or get me to call her more like it which is pricey. normally this wouldn't bother me but she has no house phone because she drinks her dole money and when i do actually call her to see what she wants it turns out to be 'i'm bored, let me tell you about this weeks problem in my life...'.
this is nothing new, however her 'lax moral values' i guess you could say are beginning to frustrate me. in this weeks episode she likes a guy, calls him 100 times to come out with us, sees him and kisses another guy right in front of him then complains that his is offended stating 'its not like we were going out or anything...'. meanwhile she last week she liked a guy but that quickly endedlast friday when he was sentenced to several years/months can't remember jail after a home invasion and assault. the other guy on the side is still awaiting sentencing after being charged with drug trafficing when found with 100g of this drug juice which is used as a date rape drug. so as you can see i can't keep up but i don't want to offend her so i keeps at arms length. i just find every so often i sit back and think how the hell did i get stuck listening to all this crap??? i must have done something awful in a past life! :P

morning sunshine

2008-08-18T11:27:00.003+10:00

i don't know if i can do this anymore. everyday just seems alittle bit worse than the one before. today after a very miserable nights sleep i was woken up with a voicemail from a debt collection agency. they have taken the case from my centerlink debt and it seems they want there money soon. like $150 dollars a foretnight soon and i called them and in true pathetic style cried while repeating i can't physically pay you that much!! i guess this is my fault for it getting this far. i wasn't paying centerlink because i was having trouble doings so. then i tried to make a claim for payments again but it got declined due to lack of information .... no idea what happened there i told them where i send my toe nail clippings and all! then i was rejected, uni started again and i just tried to function day to day and let it slip and forgot. eventually after 3 attempts talking to them i got it down to $50 a fortnight but i know thats still a push. what will happen when i need to take 4 weeks off for clincial or next year when i have 10 consecutive weeks of clincal!?? how do i pay them then? i just hate life so much right now and wish it was easier. i wish i could just disappear switch off and have a moment to breath. have something to be excited about. when i was younger i never heard about people getting screwed over. i always assumed if you were a good person doing good things - good things would happen. i'm sure in some sense this is character building but fuck! i hate being so alone right now, i hate thinking about this all by myself but i hate whinging to my friends at neasium about the trivialities of my pathetic little world. especially because as of late i havent had much in the positive department to bring to the table - oh god i need a hug.

Restless ... at 4am

2008-08-18T04:10:00.002+10:00

so can't sleep right now its bugging me. thank god i don't have work tomorrow morning. i think its a lovely side effect of these meds because its a more modern trend that i am waking up 2:30, 3:40, 5:20... i know i've never been a great sleeper and i'm doing all my steps i used to (ie no coffee, stretches, breathing, imagary, music...) and grrrrrrrrr none of it seems to be effective! on another random note i only have one weke left of classes yey! then many weeks of essay writing .... not so yey. been getting so excited about the thought of next year too, moving out with flick and we are going to be so poor but have so much fun!! hehe. actually i must say ang and i have had a really like reaaly good week! i don't know - maybe its her impending birthday or just in general we seem to be giggling a lot more than recent weeks. must say it gives me some solace. anyways i'm babbling and i might try reading a while... apparently computer screens aren't the best for people having difficulty sleeping :P. good night mr interweb thingy.

Food.

2008-08-17T19:13:00.002+10:00

Long day my pretties. work was ok, got to chase a few things up and use a few more skills. got some lovely compliments too from the guys about the soup i made for lunch. we have a great little team weekends simply because few people are dumb or desparate enough to have to work them. :P nothing too grand from then. came home rumaged through cook books and did the grocery shop then got a sudden attack of a migrain. odd because i don't get headaches very oftens let alone full blown migrains but i think i might just be a bit overtired. dragged flick to her first real play last night which was kinda fun. i guess i don't always appreciate that very few people see much theatre let alone the more surreal, symbolic and controversial side of it. kinda makes me feel special like i'm a member of this little club that has an inside understanding of how the stage works and more importantly why it is working. hehehe mad i guess but then ya love me. anyways i've only dragged myself out of bed because my darling room mate is cooking me fooooooooooooooooood. really greatful on a night like this because prsently tying my shoelaces would be a challenge.

oh god my head...

2008-08-16T14:07:00.002+10:00

the less said about last ngihts escapade the better. i did manage to be chat up by a 24 year old mechanic named eddie.... nice to know i still have my old charm ey.
the most frustrating part is all morning while suffocating in traces living room and drivin home the only thought in my head was that hangovers used to be so much easier to endure when i could just curl up in bens arms and watch the day drift by.

A good rainy day to me

2008-08-15T14:37:00.002+10:00

Today has been nice. i woke up read the news over weatbix, went to the market for supplies then stopped by the gym as the lovely weather has me stuck inside today and ran my little legs off (i'm kinda thrilled how much my endurance has increased the last 2 and a half weeks!). now i am cooking my ww pizza before i shower and start cooking soup :D. tonight i promised trace several weeks ago actually but have been putting it off... that we would hit the town. so after my betty crocker efforts i will tart up (prob not as extreme as she will i imagine with her gorgeous figure) and drive on down to the south east side. hehe. stay real homies ........ mwah!

2008-08-14T23:08:00.002+10:00

why do i miss him? i am tyring to figure out why after so many weeks i still can't stop day dreaming, remembering and missing him?? i was told once that if you do something for 28 days it becomes habit. its been longer than 28 days and still doesn't fit. i was told once that you can grieve one week for every year the relationship existed andi still feel sad. i go out, i wear pretty clothes but i can't bear to talk to people, let alone look at them. all i want is for him to come up behind me and hug me - the security i guess. the inside jokes, the smiles - the love i guess you call it. i miss it so much. i know time heals all but how exactly does it heal a broken heart?

Mental Health - Best Subject

2008-08-14T14:49:00.004+10:00

Quote that made my day: '...it wasn't until we began talking to the patient that we realised he didn't want to jump off the 6th floor balcony of his rooming house, in fact he thought his life was quite good. it was the voice of the devil ordering him to that triggered the episode...'.
i actually do love my course. its quite enjoyable when we're not talking about statistics and maths or chemicals. but the subject matter is like conditioning us for a black nursing humor tht is inevitable. in no other course (maybe med...) would you have a two hour lecture on euthenasia followed by 6 hours of mental health lectures and tutorials. thankgod we're going to pub trivia tonight because thursday is one day i really need a drink and distraction from the world around us :P. btw my legs aren't in crippling pain from mon nights dance class - yey!

Mental Health - Best Subject

2008-08-14T14:49:00.001+10:00

Another brick in the wall

2008-08-13T20:03:00.003+10:00

I broke my favorite baking dish today. it was just over an inch in depth, rectanglular and perfect for virtually everything i cooked in it and now it sits in the bin in many pieces. this is kind of the metaphore for yet another very average day. i'm not sure it its hormones, stress, the futility of my work or just a generalbad case of the sads but today i felt miserable! i know most of you are probably sick of me whinging so my best advice to that is bug off and let me enjoy my own self indulgent drivel coz god knows i can't do this anywhere else. i need to write down the crap stuff because as i've mentioned before i can throw it out post it and then it is no longer mine. so - i hate uni - its like being a shadow of a being wandering from class to computer with maybe only 3 faces you'll recognise and none of which you will chat with for say longer than 15 minutes. then i climb into the car and return home only to be faced again with the computer screen and mental list of information i need to complete before time runs out and due dates arrive. the most frustrating thing is feeling so lonely you glance at your phone every 30 minutes hoping someone will have msgd, called god even knowing someone somewhere has a brief thought of me would make this awful sense of abandonment disappear. i just feel so bored and isolated and frustrated at everything i wish the feeling would just go away and i could wake up tomrrow morning and look in the mirror and be happy to see myself looking back instead of thinking of the big black cloud i feel suffocating me. i know i need to ifnish this course, i know i can't do my job without it. i know i have friends out there who love me and a family that care in the best capacity they know how to but nothing anyone says convinces the little voice in my own mind to relax forget the future stop analysing the past and just breath. times like these i guess i wish i could have a holiday but again i know its not an option. lifes just peachy ey?

ahhhh sunday

2008-08-10T18:34:00.002+10:00

phew i'm knacked! this evening i decided it was too cold to go walking so i decided to try a body attack class. now i used to do this clas regularly back in 2005/2006 but gave it up whe moved out and after tonight i don't how on earth i managed it! it was insane i went so red its the toughest cardio ive done in ages but so much fun!!! otherwise it was another weekend come and gone. saw mama mia with mum friday night (so hardcore my best date is my mum! :P), worked sat morning then crashed bishops b'day sat night only to leave by 10 so as to actually make it to work this morning. i hate my job it frustrates me that no one listens or cares and i just CBF'd anymore. i hate working every sunday. i think its killing me slowly - every week it just gets harder to wake up in the morning but what other option do i have i guess. this week they are discussing next years placements though so we'll see what it entails and maybe its time for a career move. or at least a summer job as far away from nursing as possible! in other news my sister seems to think i've dropped off the face of the earth and i don't mind this. she seems to be back to her charming mad ways. i have successfully lasted the last three days without a smoke (although it was tough in the wide world) and am still oging stronge! i have an ethics assignment of a measly 1000 words i am greuling over and i'm pretty much just taking life day by day.
my roomates b/f is still living here and well not long now i guess. just weird sharing small spaces with other people and i swear the dishes just multiply! anyways i think i'm babbling so i'm off. ciao!

the heavy sky

2008-08-08T15:19:00.002+10:00

today the melbourne sky is an aging man. what began with white fluffy clouds and warm sun beams has now only 6 hours later become dark forbodding black cloud indicating a lock down week end. in other tedious goin on i decided not to go to uni today. yes today was the first non smokign day on this medication and so far it seems to be effective although i don't want to push it by going in and finding i have a 3 hour break in which to sit in the cafe and watch everyone else smoking. instead i have been proactive and while confined have made a masterpiece of a vegitarian lasagna, done some washing and well found every other odd task under the sun to waste time. tried watching some recorded lectures but gave up after a few hours because my consentration was only partially there. i want to put down the random thoughts in my head but can't articulate them quite so well yet. i'm feeling very lonely of late but not sad or happy more apathetic and bored. music is the only thing i'm finding colour in i guess. it is strange existing. don't know about most but when i was yuong and complained my mother used to go on about how university is only a trivial sacrifice of a few years before you can truely live it and i never quite understood what she meant until now. it seems odd to function from day to day week to week. like a transient being i am drifting and i get ups and downs but nothing grand just being.

Body (general). Common: fever, asthenia.
Cardiovascular. Uncommon: flushing, tachycardia, increased blood pressure (in some cases severe). Rare: postural hypotension, vasodilatation, syncope, hypotension, palpitations.
Central nervous system. Very common: insomnia, headache. Common: dizziness, agitation, anxiety, tremor, concentration disturbance, depression.
Endocrine and metabolic. Common: anorexia.
Gastrointestinal. Common: dry mouth, nausea, gastrointestinal disturbance including abdominal pain and vomiting.
Special senses. Common: visual disturbance, taste disorders.

i did find this quite interesting though. i looked up the side effects to this zyban stuff and its quite odd how much it effects the body. thankfully the only thing ive been able to identify is mild insomnia and slight hypotension (low blood pressure) so this is good. oh and the dry mouth thing has been driving me crazyall week!!

before i disappear i also want to share with people something i recommended to me earlier in the week. its on you tube just look up 'Randy Pausch - the last lecture'. now ok you need to have more than 2 brains cells to sit for an hour and watch it but i guarentee it is worth it. this man was a professor of some virtual reality computer stuff at a pittsburg universityand died of pancreatic cancer which most of you may not know is the fastest, most aggressive and awful tpes of cancer to have. this in mind he only had months and decided to give his last lecture on his dreams from his childhood and how in one way or another he has achieved all of them and advises how others can achieve their dreams and more importantly how we help one another to acheive them. now its seems like some stupid american hallmark moment of claptrap but i did actually find it quite inspiring and funny which helped... so disregard or give it a go i frankly don't care. and on that note chickens i am abandoning the void of cyber space for some human company. adeui!

The night owl walks

2008-08-08T00:23:00.003+10:00

i'm not good at sleep. i think it comes in cycles but i'm really not a very good sleeper. so i shall ramble about my week. well after saturday i guess i just got through and before i know it its technically friday morning. aside from uni the weeks been rather low key. went to a hip hop class with flick on monday night and had a blast! we learnt a short routine to micheal jacksons beat it. no my favorite song but rather fun. unfortunitly my body was rather shell shocked and i work up tues with the most excruciating pain in my legs and butt! by evening it wasn't my better so i thought a relaxing walk would stretch it out abit. bad idea wednesday i was even stiffer so i figured i'd follow the lead of the football people who take a swim in the ocean after a game to break down the lactic acid in the muscles (please correct e if this is bs) and i went for a swim. it was actually really good until i sat through a few hours of lectures. the frustrating part is that tues i like to do yoga and wed since i missed yoga was hoping to be able to do body attack (like dance fast forward aerobics) but no. so i went for another swim today and do feel much better this evening. good timing for the week end i guess at least. tomorrow is day 8 of the zyban program so i will not be smoking tomorrow and lets hope this is the beginning of a good journey. i might leave now because i seem to be crapping on and all the meaningful thoughts i had have gone. sweet dreams my darlings much love and kisses.

hopeless

2008-08-02T02:59:00.002+10:00

ok, so i feel kinda hopeless right now. its almost 3am on a friday night. tomorrow is my day off. i have plans to meet my mother for lunch then kill time with tracey until erins housewarming in the evening but i feel like everything in life right now is just a menial excuse to kill time. i am not happy. its cold in this house even when i indulge in turnign the heating on. all i want is to be in his arms carressed lovingly until we can curl up in bed and dream about the morning. i don't want to drink stupidly and dance until dawn then spend the whole day wasted recovering form a hangover. but reality sets in. ang and the bf are in rosebud and here i am quiet and alone with the cat watching crap tv. why is it so hard to forget? in my lowest moments of weakness i view the photos of past. don't want to delete them because in the long term the memories they give me have made me the person i am today but by the same token they remind me of a happiness that is no longer their. i just don't know. sleep seems such a necessity but so unrewarding. what to do but listen to silly music and try and forget today and hope tomorrow feels better. at least i had a good night before i returned to the cold house. finally saw batman. it was a bit too long but so worth it. i love superhero movies, particularly batman. regret he wasn't there to watch with me and hold my hand when the jumpy bits came. sad ey? otherwise finally got some meaningful conversation for the week. finally felt safe in public. didn't know anyone didn't care complete absence. just what the doctor ordered i guess.

not feeling to good the last hour and not sure why

2008-07-31T22:13:00.000+10:00

ma·laise [ma-leyz, -muh-; Fr. ma-lez] –noun

1.	a condition of general bodily weakness or discomfort, often marking the onset of a disease.

2.	a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort.

a good one at last

2008-07-31T16:21:00.003+10:00

today was a good day. i went to classes. drank coffee. avoided the temptation of hot jam donuts from the market by bringing a cookie from home, posted the last of my big sister application in and picked up my first prescription for my quit smoking med. not to mention i have trivia tonight yey :P
physically my body is really stiff which ang can only laugh at because it has been entirely self inflicted and i think i'll take it easy today and maybe a quiet swim tomorrow will surfice. last ngiht was a real low but i think things are improving. stay safe pussycats.

theories of the sleepless mind

2008-07-30T23:13:00.002+10:00

theory
number 1.
studying mental health makes you contemplate your own sanity at a brutaly contronting level.
number 2.
where ever you go to, there you are
number 3.
why does it hurt so fucking much

If only i were born and idiot

2008-07-30T22:05:00.002+10:00

My biggest enemy right now is my mind. i can push my body to every end of extreme but the mind functions of its own accord. in the last two days i have swan, yoga'd, pushup'd, stomach crunched, ran and meditiated but the zoning out is so temporary. i listen to music that soothes, lifts and even makes me belt out off pinch tones in the kitchen. i go to class and listen intently, engrosed in conversation and snatching ideas like forbidden treasure. i see friends and talk about art movies, books culture life shoes and everything in between. but then at the end of the day the body is weary, the friends are gone, the ipod switches off and the books must close and its just me. stark naked and alone in the silence and dark with nothin but my thoughts, my true feelings and my dreams and insecurities. the wound is still bear no matter how i deny it and there has yet to b e a day i don't think about it all. my worst fear is i won't or if i do i will call myself on it and get that heavy sinking in my stomach that brings it all flooding back.
i just miss him so much but now without tears and i don't know where to start moving on. texture, colour lust for life seems so bland in comparison to the memories i drag up. then at the end of another day here i am alone in the dark with my mind, alone.

My Day

2008-07-29T19:32:00.002+10:00

so its been a weirds day. i went to work to quickly to pick up a reference and ended up in an hour and a half interview with the board of driectors and my manager because the coroner has decided to conduct an inquest into the death of one of our residents a few weeks ago. now the frustrating circumstances around this is that i believe it could have been prevented and i verbally did try and protest to the actions taken by the staff more qualified than i am based on my own experiences in age care and research ive picked up through my studies. now because i'm the only shmuck who bloody bothered to document the events prior i'm been asked to clarify the circumstances which i quite frankly don't want to do because as far as i'm concerned it was the direct misconduct of my collegues that this happened but they are still my collegues and i don't want to betray that loyalty. plus this isn't a he said she said pety dispute infront of the dirctor of nursing but before an independant legal body that could influence the rest of these peoples lives. i am glad it can't damage my career and that i'm being praised for document blah blah blah but someone died! its bullshit and i don't really want this on my plate right now. but enough of that rant. today i also managed to attend a yoga meditationy class thing at the Y and it was great! can't wait to go next week although i htink it might take me a few weeks to get the strength and balance required for some of the crazier poses. the meditatiojn part was abit freaky too. alot of zoning out, imagining and saying ummmmmm at the begining and end but i guess it did give me a great sense of tranquility i don't think ive experienced before. in other news tomorrow is crunch time with the doc about smoking and after the yoga i think it will be more than welcome. booze is still on hold so ive dressed up dinner with lime soda water in a shmancy glass - cool ey ;P. time for food now.

Self Destruct

2008-07-27T16:22:00.002+10:00

ok so this week was a bit stupid. its like ive hit the self destruct button and flown way off. then last night topped it off. went to a freinds birthday thing in st kilda and was so anxious before hand ate half a small pizza and then began on the wine. was only going to have a few quite short work in the morning etc. with some assistance my glass was never emptyand the next i knew we were off to another pub. this was not what i had in mind i'd called in sick thinking work would come up this arvo which of course sounded like a great theory. i ended been dragged home and passing out only to wake with the worst hangover of my life and crippled arches from my heels. after feeling sorry for myself i decided to rest and realised this is ridiculous! at which point i also bolted for the toilet to be sick again. so now am planning my week and its time for a change. not to keep busy but to clean myself up. somewhere since moving out i have developed this crazy nurotic energy to fuel the day and it must stop because right now i can't handle the anxiety. there are three changes for this week. wednesday go to doctor and get help (yes i hate to admit it but i realistically need professional help....) to quit smoking. also i have made a deal and i asked my room mate to help support mebut no drinking this week. i don't want to abuse my love of wine to the point where i will crash and have to give it up for good. finally my YMCA have a 'wellness' class which is only going to cost me $8 to attend and its a combination of meditation and yoga. hopefully with a bit of calm i can heal faster and healthier and maybe even have some fun and find a new path.

philosophical

2008-07-26T17:21:00.002+10:00

ok so feeling very philosophical at the moment. i have made rpogress. today i went for my first walk in over two weeks and actually enjoyed it although my lungs may not agree. next is to jump back in the pool monday morning and i may even enquire about there yoga classes. too much time and it must be filled to stop the crazy. of course i only truely realsed i need to keep going after advise from a very wise woman and i have decided to take each moment as it comes as i am only 22 and have a full and rich life left and can't spend it rotting in wine and cigarettes no matter how tempting. i don't know when i will be ready for men again or when i'll stop holding a torch for the one i lost so instead i am going to try and live for now. the crunch was learning hes off doing massage courses and salsa dance classes which stabs me a bit as both sound like so much fun and i always wanted to do salsa but we never got around to it... bah! anyways instead i'll buckel down for these essays. also trace got me info on this big sister program through the department of human services whcih is a lengthy application process but will eventually lead to being partnered with a 'high risk' (god knows what that implies) young person and i will receive appropriate training and get to simply take em out a couple hours a week for down time. have some fun, show em a laugh, listen and share whatever this crazy life experience of mine has given me and hopefully gain that purpose i've been looking for. spanish classe son the other hand as some of you may have heard me rant on about are on hold until next term because i need these essays done in the next five weeks and don't really have time to memorise how to order a coffee in espanol :P. as for some more exciting plans i'm goig to the snow in september (perfect for me as i am not fond of the skiing part and there shouldn't be much snow...) also i reackon if i work enough i can get away with the guys for a week in summer to learn how to snorkel and get sunburnt trying to fish hehe. wounds need time to heal and there is always a scar but i guess after the pain has eased and the discomfort goes away the body somehow manages to keep working.

tick tock

2008-07-26T06:58:00.003+10:00

my god that was the longest night. i have never slept so badly before. i kept dreaming about us. i can't help it. every 20 minutes staring at the clock thinking come on girl you need to sleep work is only .... hours away and you need to function!!
so now its 7:00 am and i'm awake and off to work. the chorus of the broken hearted rings true i guess. at least my residents like me :P

Hey miss manic

2008-07-21T20:02:00.002+10:00

ok, so this is my solace right now. thank god i can blog because i need to throw these words up on a page and give them to the cyber void so i don't have them in me anymore. not that i expect anyone gets that. today was another manic day but better. i went to work out in roseanna (about 30 min from me but 5 min from uni) and felt like shit. i was depressed, uninspired, bored and pretty much all the delightful things aged care has to offer. on the other hand i'm pretty experienced and didn't do too badly a job. so much in fact the div 1 in charge complimented me and asked if i wanted to work there and said she could fix up and interview with the DON in the afternoon. i had to decline because rosanna has nothing to offer but it did ego boost me. got to uni for my afternoon classes. only one lecture but did watch some mental health videos waiting. the lecture itself was evidence based practice and got me passionate again :P. i want to be a nurse that makes a difference! we learnt of this amazing hospital in Boston (my fav US state) that have this amazing IC unit which i so started dreaming about working at. listened to Hamish and Andy on way home - always great then cooked tea for the first time in over a week and felt happy. started dreaming about this life i can make only i know its gonna take a while. the ink needs to dry on my degree before i am useful to anyone. in mean time i have enlisted to be a girl guides leader (GO FIGURE?!) after a friend of a friend of mine suggested it when i told her my life now needs purpose. plus i still have trivia with the girls thurs nights. unfortunitly spanish will need to wait unitl next semester though as the course load this one looks pretty scarey but hey if i survive these feelings i can conqure the world right? i'm still up and down and horribly unsure of myself daydreaming and grieving for this life i lost that will never know but i think i am coming to peace with this. just scares the crap out of me being my own closest friend for the time being and not having the company of another i guess. the wisest (and probably the most the useful) thing my mother can say is everything has a reason. things happen for a purpose and whether for a minute or a millennium they make us who we are and what we become. i am so thankful for everyone who has been here and lets me crap on even u blog as talking everything out lets each day feel easier and like each day has a bit more hope and adventure to bring. btw amanda - we are so going Vanuatu end of next year!!

2008-07-20T22:01:00.002+10:00

15 minutes ago i hit the wall. not in the literal sense of course... i was watching tv with my room mate and was enjoying it and thought about my evening. ate half of tea and didn't throw it up then thought ok i'll watch movie, brush my teeth and head to bed and call.... of wait you can't do that anymore. the one person i would speak to daily and just chat. for hours lie there share our thoughts and fall asleep thinking out there i have someone amzing who adores me. i miss him. so much it makes me sick to remember it all. i was catatonic most of today and angry at the supermarket. surviving again. day dreaming about him thinking ' will he still or ever again wear that chain i gave him'. does he look at the painting above the bed and remember walking arm in arm through melbourne on the hunt. so many things i remember and miss and it makes me so scared to think of this empty existence of a future i see before me. all songs on the radio right now are about me. everymouth full of food is effort to chew. ever book i read i wonder if he read it already. the thought of talking to another guy scares the crap out of me. i had the guy who was the catch - like ever tick on the list girls laugh about scoring and he doesn't want me. i don't make him feel happy. so now he can be and i need to just function. i feel so worthless and i try not to because its not healthy and copious amounts of people tell me i'm great and it will get easier in time and fate is in the works and bigger better more thrilling times are to come. its the wait thats killing me. at least i haven't cried today. god this sounds so pathetic. i sound like the chorus of bleeding hearted artists wasting away in the world and i can't shake it. time for sleep now i think.

to do list

2008-07-16T13:48:00.002+10:00

buy a scooter and a cute riding outfit and cruise down the coast on a fresh sunny day
be amazing at my course so i can get recommended for a study abroad scholarship
lose the stomach and buy a sexy bikini for summer
start night school for spanish so i can communicate when i go away
save money and buy furniture to make my space pretty
get healthy .... motivation severely depleted at present - no walks, no runs, no swims no rides just empty
go to more plays, shows and when time allows be in one again
having a coffee overload with my friends
drink a beer with the boys and watch them play guitar in the living room while they dream of eing rockstars
make time in the summer for a beachy holiday
get the tools and supplies for my garden shelf plan
learn to cook pad thai from scratch and possible do a cooking course in summer at the vic market
dance like an idiot, sing like a maniac, laugh like insides will burst, run a mile and smile so wide that my chins disappear and eyes light up
feel like there is hope everywhere and life is amazing

This is my to do list. Don't let me forget it.

2008-07-13T13:03:00.002+10:00

I'm single. as of last night walking home form the comedy club the guy i thought loved me more than imaginable told me he needed out. that it just wasn't going to work. the funny thing is i kind of felt it coming but on the other hand didn't think it was possible considering how happy i was and thought he was. i feel like such a bloody sap! and food won't stay down, i have no one to call and i can't stop crying. then i feel angry that i feel like this. then when it passes i dream about all the amazing times and cry again at what ive lost. if this is a broken heart you can them.

Holiday Mischief

2008-07-11T13:20:00.002+10:00

hey all,
my house is sooooooo clean right now! like unbelievably ajax'd the skirting boards- mopped all the floors clean. thankfully i only have one week left of holidays because the boredom is starting to get to me! still going with my fat people club but the loses are smaller in number (but at least they are all loses!) and feelin pretty healthy which i haven't felt in a LONG time hehe. not much else to report. keep it real pussy cats.
xoxo
tif

catface furry pants!

2008-06-24T11:18:00.004+10:00

hey all,
its a dreary cold tuesday morning and i'm waiting for our landlord to come by and give us an inspection plus i just know my washing won't dry so i thought i'd dwell over it in my blog.......
okenough of that. as for news? as of last friday i am free of examness (i hope...) for another semester and my god it was greuling!! 30 drug calculations in 30 minutes and for those of you who know me well enough anything with the word calculations does go down well. i have trouble figuring out my weekly grocery bill!!! but i think (prayfor dear life) that i went ok with it. the major problem is i am required to achieve a %100 to pass the exam otherwise keep repeating until this is achieved.
in other news i'm down 5kgs thanks to my fat peoples club and although i nor my room mate can see a difference ... (something about looking everyday...) my partner assures me he can. of course he's such a sweety it wouldn't surprise me if he was just saying it. meanwhile i am starting a solid workout routine of a few days walking (with a few poorly exicuted spurts of running) and then swimming in between days so my knees don't rot away. in fcat today i am totally stoked because u managed 20 laps at the local YMCA which is an outdoor 50m pool. the reason for the excitement is that not just 3 weeks ago i got in it for the first time swam one lap and half way through quit thinking the pool just keeps bloody goin!
in other news i turned 22 on the 8th (yey me) but due to some significant last minute planning had only few rock up to join me in a drink. however end of exam perseverance prevailed and i boogied my booty til 2 am .... then being the old woman i am took until 4:30 sat to recover!
in some sadder news my uncle (mums bro) was killed in a tragic car accident at the age of 49 on the 4th of this month so mum and i made an unplanned plane ride up to sydney for the funeral. i must say it was the most overwhelmingly sad thing i've done this year not for my uncle but for al of us he left behind. in all truth it was the right way at the wrong time coz it was quick relativly unexpected (therefore not dwelled on) and he had all his wits about him. the hardest part was supporting my mum with her family when i haven't seen any of them since i was 12. tragic how a death is the only event substantial enough to bring us all together. anyways enough of that i need to boil the kettle and get ready for another wonderful staff meeting so i'll say my goodbyes for today and try and update again soon.
mwah!
tif

LA la la la

2008-05-19T18:51:00.002+10:00

Hey all,
well i'm feeling self indulgently egocentric right now because i just went for a 50 minute run/walk around my neighbourhood and for the first time did not avoid the horrendous hill down the road but pushed my heavy legs the whole bloody way back up it! not to mention week 3 of the fat peoples club has been going strong. did have a moment of weakness over the weekend involving more than one glass of wine but knew to stop (for once) before i made myself a. sick for work next day and b. threw away all my hard earned points for the week. one another note clincal is going well - getting to see multiple gorey amazing things like reimplanted arms, people hit but semitrailors, buses, trains jumped off buildings, fingers chopped off by axes the works! not to mention every piece of equiptment know to modern day nursing and then some! even my clincal supervisor has been impressed how quick i seem to jump in and try and pick things up - but then maybe she just finds my naive eagerness charming...
on a sappier note today is ben and i's 2 year anniversary and while in the grand scheme of the universe this seems like a rather minor milestone, i beg you all to reflect on my track record of one month wonder failed relationships and raise a glass for i know i am saving a few points to myself :P.
thats all for tonight all my kisses pussycats!

fat club episode 1

2008-05-08T14:17:00.001+10:00

hehehehe,
yey - first fat club weigh in today and i've knocked off 1.5 kgs in the ;ast week. will keep ya posted!

mmmmmmmmmm Pi.

2008-05-05T19:57:00.001+10:00

Hey all,
i love the fat people club menu. this is a dull post but this week i have managed to cook great healthy food that i never really considered before using their meal plan. normally i approach my health kick diet to incorporate nothing more than carrot sticks, salad and soup ... which probably explains so many failed attempts :P. tonights a pretty slow one - mate is coming round after a dance class so am just killing time (procrastinating from doing any study for my impending exam schedual) and figured i should bug u all.
i must say this has been a lazy week. did a night shift last night for the agency and realised why i hate agency shifts - they treat you like a true idiot. its like every middle age overwieght underqualified matron who has worked in the same dead end grueling job so long simply because they are border line illeterate and have the social skills of scavengers seeking there next prey believe because i am agency i am as useless as tits on a bull. i can't wait until i get as far away form aged care as possible. maybe i'll go on and be a doctor so i can patronise them later in my career and demean them as much as they do me right now. ahhhhhhhh poor grammatical structure but it sure feels good to vent. i love the interweb thingy.
anyways possums my lentils and fish are almost done (yeah not the most appetising meal they suggest but it is smelling quite nice :P) so i will love and leave you all for another day.
adios!

Crap its may!

2008-05-02T13:38:00.002+10:00

yey, i'm bad at this. this is a big month for me. not only do my exams commence, but i have my first clincal in a real hospital! i am very excited. so far all my assigments are in and out the way so i have a little bit of time to relax and focus on me time. life has been hectic lately but nothin spectacular. does anyone else suffer this? very busy, no time to breathe or do the things your passionate about and yet its nothing extrodiary - mainly the same tedious nonchalant tasks day in day out. kinda lame me thinks - i need to make time for more adventures when i finsih uni, otherwise i risk dying an old boring lady full of regrets. bluh!
another big plan for this month: i am hoping it will be the start of a big journey to get healthy! this is a 3 phase plan that began 3 weeks ago:
phase one began when i was in bed and smelt my hair on the pillow and nearly vomited! next day i finsihed my last cigarette of the packet and decided i would endevour to quit smoking. its been rocky but i haven't bought any since and only smoked 3 since given to me by friends of course :P.
phase two began just yesterday and this is the most challenging part. i decided to join weight watchers. yes, with the assistance of the fat peoples club i will try and shrink this bootie into someting i can be proud of some day!
finally, phase three comes with the assistance of my parents. i am joining the uni gym and training to be able to run 5 kilometers one day. of course in the shorter term i'd settle for A kilometer.
so there my big plan. i hope i succeed although it does seem a little ambitous and i can easy stuff it up. fingers crossed!
anyways my darling.
xoxo

welcome to '08

2008-03-17T20:34:00.002+11:00

hmmmm new plan. no more rules!
my house has no air con. its hotter in here than out there! grrrr.
btw: update
- i passed first year and have a good chance passing this one if i keep getting 30 degree days leaving me no choice but to cmap out in the climate controlled computer labs.
- angie, mr charlie and i are living in brunswick west now.
- ben and i are still together and goin well (please hold the groans and kissy noises)
- sis has moved back home and gone back to her old charming ways....
- still helping the oldies shit shower and shave but it pays the rent.
- really wish i had more of a social life! yes you! who ever reads this invite me to coffee drop me a stupid text coz u just saw someone in a funny hat, remind me i'm not alone out here in this lonely cyberspace of 40 virgins and porn addicts!

and thats about all. now i have wireless ad i can do this in front of the tv i will try with short sweet entries.
leave ya with something. my sis told me the other day that i don't show stress very well. so i thought about it and realise the more time you spend stressing about where your going the less fun you have getting there!
talk to you all soon my pretties
mwah!

Calm before the storm

2007-08-10T21:51:00.000+10:00

Tonight i think i am thinking it is time for a change.
until now this blog has been a relay of niceties in my life. the general non bias recount of basic events occuring. i am sick of it. infact i feel this is why i am so unmotivated to actually make regular posts. well not any more. from now, those of you who actually still endevour to read this i will give you a more honest and sometimes brutal account of what is actually going on in this little mind of mine.
truth is i am actually starting to feel the pressure of real life. how do i know this?
a. i have been smoing for 3 days. unknown to anyone, only when alone. and why? because for those 6minutes or so i can just sit, stop and think. i do hope i will stop after this pack. if anyone sees me a\with a smoke please don't question but don't encourage.
b. frequent drinking. i am quite partial to drinking. i like my wine with dinner when i can afford it. but tonight i realised i find no better solace for my weary mind than drinking juice and vodka while watchin house re runs. i was given 3 offers to join my friends at the pub but alas i have 30 dollars until next wednesday and am required to be at work by 7am tomorrow morning.
truth is i have been forced to put my life on hold for the sake of some further progression which just seems further and further away every day.
we have a gastro outbreak at work and my reward for been so careful and effiecient with my infection handeling techniques and care skills ( ie. not getting sick myself!) is a complete overload of workload and responosibility. while this is a major boost for my work creditbility as reinforced by praise from my superiors last few weeks, it is incredibility draining both emotionaly and physically.
the one reward i get at work is the satisfaction my residents recieve. this is the one reason i feel i am destined to be a nurse. today one patient - a stroke vicim. verbally impaired sat in tears purely because she was depressed and was feeling neglected. i sat with her for 20 minutes cleaning and painting her nails, holding her hand and making trivial conversation about bad day time tv shows. however, but the end i had this woman from hysterical tears, smiling and dozing in her chair. another touching experience i had was one woman, often regarded as a time consuming pain in the ass - telling me she loved me. jus quietly, sincerely and fondly saying 'i love you'. the only reason i can assume for this was because i made the effort to put her makeup on after her shower, remind her she was beautiful and offer her her own chocloates when she chose not to eat the yellow goo they pass off as desert afterlunch.
but despite the reward i am tired. i am very tired and don't know how much longer i can stay ontop of it all. uni seems to be more and more demanding and i keep puhing to get ahead of it all. sit in the front row. attend as many lectures i possinly can, got to all the tutes - volunteral or not. ive had eggs in the fridge waiting for that lazy morning, now been in the fridge for 3 weeks now.
i owe the tax department 200 bucks! turns out that 3rd job i picked up casually to get enough money for my first rent and bond didn't tax me appropriately and now i owe money. this is the first sign your getting old. i remeber oving tax time! it was a ree 1000 bucks for me every august now i have debts.
my car is dying too. steam blowing out the hood, pretty sure its an oil leak. can't really afford to fix it. oh an the front left headlight is out. don't really want to tell the folks, they worry enough but can't really help. i don't know why, i am too proud to ask for help. i chose to be here like this, i chose to except the responisbility, stand on my feet. my roommates have their own dramas and with so many 7am starts and returning home at 10:30 pm, we don't really get the time out to vent and giggle i guess. ben is wonderful, cliche i know but after a long week he's pretty much all i make time for simply vecause one hug makes all the fatigue and stress of it all disappear. can't vent much on him though, he has decided to defer uni for this semsterto get some money to move out because it was too hard getting to uni from where he is day in day out. don't blame him - 2 hours travel for 45 minute class wouldn't make me too eager. but of course now comes the dilemma of getting a job and sinc his car is dead (trasmission gone),he is somewhat restricted in travel.
continuing further on the topic of work, i have joined a nurses agency to pick up more shifts at work. it has been a stressful but interesting experience. i have to deal with been canceled repeatedly during a day before i get a shift. then when i get there, despite my 6 years experience in psychiatric/dementia care, high care , palliative care, hostel medication administration and auditing and complex wound management i am treated like i got my certficate last week via a 2 week internet questionair. it is so frustrating. i have found a fun mind game to play which i call - 'remember the name'. works grea in temp worm where u mean nothing because the moment a person thinkins u know their name, they feel closer to you. in turn u find they like you more - although this wont mean they will ever remeber your.
i think thats the hardest part right now - i seem to throw so much of myself into my work, my study life, but at the end of the day i feel so obsolete in the grand spectrum of existence i wonder why i bothered...
and the worst part is that myfriends, the most amazing people who stood by me to get me where i am today i can't negotiate time to see because at the end of the day i need to pay my rent the bills, get to class pass the course, make an impression to get the experience, get the recognition or i'll be stuck stagnant and wiping peoples asses for the rest of my life.
so i am sorry this isn't the shiny happy blog it was but i think it is time to give myself the medium to let it all out. i have ups , i have down. and who knows this time next week could be an up. after all i get paid! i can afford my stethescope and 2nd work shirt...
goodnight my arling, wherever you my be say hi, live long, laugh loud and please always remember i love you and when i know how to slow the world down we'll have coffee :P.
tif
song of the day: Perfect : Alanis Morrisette
just listen. enough siad.

Happy Friday the 13th

2007-06-20T21:40:00.001+10:00

Hey all,
well it s a wild friday night and i have nothing better to do other than watch win a date with todd hamiton so figured i should update this thing instead! some big news as of late
a. i passed all my subjects well this semester!
b. i quit smoking for good and have not had one for a whole week now .... ok so its been tough and still not over by a long shot. but before you ask, no it was not the new non smoking laws it was much more simple. i ran out of money... and ventalin. then as every addict does i began to devise an intricate plan to scrounge money to feed my habit and had a brief moment of clarety - ie. what the *expletive deleted* am i doing all this for. so wish me luck!
c. had my appraisal at work this week and am now a permenant part time employee of my facility.
all aside nothing much else is going on. still orchestrating this trip to thai land with ben in november and more excited than ever! even established a can not touch under any circumstances fund for it! plus Care (friend i met in alaska who lives in Bankok) has agreed to meet us ad take me shopping when we arrive :D!!
my parents have two belgium exchange students over at present which i've been showing around melbourne. very nice girls too i must say... although i've never taken anyone to the vic market and seen them buy so little. normally they could open a stall with the amount of stuff they come away with.
as for home - everyone is well. still bloody freezing in our house - hense why i woke up with such a bad cold the other day and now just want to die... bills are somehow still being kept on top of but i defnitly miss my wild spending days.
on that note my darlings i'm off to bed 7:30 start tomrrow and i still feel like crap. lots of hugs and kisses
tif

So, a baby seal walks into a club ....groan

2007-06-20T21:40:00.000+10:00

hey all,
well its another drafty night in the hen house and the girls are at the pub enjoying their freedom from exams leaving me to whollow in my own papers as i prepare for tomorrows public health exam :S.
been a big week so far one horrible physiology exam and one not so bad anatomy exam. also still recovering from last sat nights birthday. it was an amzing night - 70 people packed into a pub just to see me! what an ego trip. scored some neat pressies too despite the fact i wasn't really expecting any. most unique goes to a black elephant china tea set i recieved! oh oh and a pair of 'dior' sunglasses ;).
i love parties but must say i was so exhausted and its frustrating because while i adore each and everyone of my friends i didn't have time to talk to them genuinly 1:1 like i prefere to over a few litres of coffee. plus i was so caught up in gretaings i didn't get to loosen up and drink much but did manage to loose my voice by 11 pm! aside form my birthday june is insane! amanda is to finally become a citizen! my sis moved inot her own place with her 'fiance' and got a job in a nursing home in caulfield and of course their are the birthdays!
june is always a big month for birthdays. alan turned 21 5 days after me so big hugs to him and unfortunitly tj (who shares the same bday as me) coudn't be their to celebrate it with me so i sent my greetings to japan and made him promise me a dirnk when he returns. it was cute actually the sunday after bens ran off to work and matt and i had lunch on lygon and gasbagged about the old days. hes like a lost puppy without tj arund anymore. not much to report aside from that. oh! ben and i are planning a trip to Thai Land in NOvember! yey! i can ride and elephant, order a cocktail from a bar in the middle of a swimming pool, cave dive and most importantly SHOP!
aside from this life has essentially been on hold the last few months with assignments and exams coming to a close. am looking foreward to seeing my folks this wekeend for lunch and then its dilani's 21st!can't belive it - 17 years and she still tolerate me as a friend :P.
well my darling i'll love and leave you. hope your all well and healthy, enjoying your central heating and what not while i ball up in my - 2 degree house. more again in a month or so ;)
xxoo tif
album of the day: Echos - Pink Floyd
great album for studying - strange because i didn't think stoners were that smart... anyways very melodic and instrumental, broke ground for its time and still setting a standard for many of the muscians today.

Boo! peak aboo charlie cat!

2007-04-17T22:45:00.001+10:00

hey all!
sheesh.... ok so i'm not as good at this as i should be - the regular updating that is. on the plus side i do have legit reason studying my ass off in this course :P. i'm more proud of myself now than ever before becuase for the first time in my higher academic career its not about the pass but the high destinction i can get if i try for it. hense i have been following every course religously and keeping up to date with all up coming assessments and study. ok i'm a nerd... so as for life? life is great. bit tight for money because the car died and i had to fork our $1300 for repairs and service but still surviving and managed to pay the bills. went camping with ben and his family for easter and had an absolute blast! true yuppy style camping i mean tents with inflatable doube matresses and collapsable shelving units. more wine than i could drink in a year and even a visit to an actual winery! saw mum and dad breifly aswell and theyre good. mums on lite and easy meals and i think theyre working. and dad is well my lovable fuddy duddy dry but sharp witted dad... meanwhile, ben and i are approaching the daunting 12 month mark and are hoping to skip off to the country after exams ot celebrate for a weekend or so. he keeps suggesting this place on the west coast of victoria with this place called tree tops which is like this suspended wire bridge over the forest canopy and it osunds amazing!
been catchin up with the odd faces here and there but been very quite on the social front last month or so. hopefully will pick up before my birthday. got the venue but will totally cry if i become the social lepar with say 3 ppl showing up for a venue booked for 70 .... and they have other engagements to get to so can only come for 10 minutes. trust me this can happen! spoke to the sister recently and shes doing a division 2 nursing tafe course - htink she finally realised no education and a life time of work in fast food is not the most exciting life accomplishment for anyone with an IQ over 50.
uni is much better these days - even bit the bullet got off my lazy bum and joined the uni gym! which is a great way to kill time in 3 hours breaks between classes and gets u pumped enough to endure 2 hours physiology lectures. i swear i know way to much about my body these days.
in other news jesse turned 22 (old man...), brad is still stuck in no where teachin dilinquent red necks but hopefully still enjoying it! trace is scrapping by in her VCE for the 3rd attempt. angy got a job at australia post (a job! yey!!) leah has her 21st coming up and were all on a health kick to look amazing for it, dilani is goin to sri lanka to vistit family and buy me some more insense, panda and crew are skipping off to bali to come back and brag about there hot suntanned shopping sprey holiday :P, TJ is having a blast in japan warping our young future tourists english ability, work have decided to keep me on and now i can buy a uniform, anna is visiting with her sister from austria and i can drag them round melbourne which i can't wait to do and last but not least it is that wonderful time of year when melbournians are overrun by loud mouth international guests for us to throw our money, heckels and praise too. yes my friends, the melbourne international comedy festival is back in town. if ur local check it out - if ur not i beg u download some clips. its so worth wetting ur pants laughin at :P.
hope you are all staying well and safe my darlings and don't be strangers!
tif
Comedy group of the day: in spirit if the festival i suggest u all download i mean purchase material from the 'scared weird little guys'. very funny group and very educational just look at there explantation of the GST or there introduction to australias wonderful wildlife....

experience shmerience!

2007-02-26T23:29:00.000+11:00

hey all,
well today i began my first day back at uni and well short to say it sucked! as most of you know i switched courses and am now at a completely different uni with completely different strangers to befriend and well... it was easier when i did it the first time round. to make it worse i have such wonderful allies at RMIT that i miss them all the more and am even more overwhelmed at the thought of discovering new ones. they reasure me 'i could make friends ina cardboard box' but i am less convinced as the more people i meet the more i feel alientated from the world.
on the home front everythign is great with the girls. infact i think if i were sharing with anyone else i'd be mad by now. leah and angy are just so pleasant to be around and i enjoy it but then i call home and the queezy feeling reoccures. for those who don't know my sister 'ran away' a few months ago. not moved out but ran away and it is her birthday today which is really sad she isn't spending ti with her family at home where she belongs. in the last month she has decided to work two job full time - one at hungry jacks burger place and the other at bridy orealys which granted is one of melbournes funnest pubs but not the place for my lil sis! meanwhile my family is killing eachother via me over the whole situation. my parents want her home and refuse to give her anything until she submits and my sister (though me again) refuses to come home because she can't handel living with my parents! i am a bloody filter and tomorrow is her bday dinner where i need to watch and listen to them argue and mediate between the two.
else where in life i'm still pondering the idea of my 21st - still no big ideas expect a 'welcome to tiffay land' theme where everyone rocks up as there inner child and coke commercials play in the background with funky music and bright colours. ben is good - been 9 months now and still looking pretty good. life is now hectic again with uni in the way but we still manage to chat once a day at least. and i hope we can actch up at least twice to three times a week but we'll see how much our timetables will allow. strange feeling knowing you love a person so much but don't want to get to dependant in case you never get the opportunity to live life to the fullest as you planned before they came along. like most i imagine i live viceriously through my single frineds and dream of that no strings attached freedom but at the same can't imagine anyone more perfect or wonderful than him at the same time. whenever i feel too lost or anxious about the state of it all he can bring a silly grin to my face and pull me back to earth and remind me it will all be alright. ok... so i'mm dragging a bit here. last but not least work is well work. i work hard get paid to pay others for my stay upon earth. i wish money grew on trees so i could spend my free time hacving adventures instead of studying or wokring but i guess thats how life works at least for this bit anyways.
i am feeling a bit down now so should probably wrap it up before i drive anyone else to tears with boredom. not to mention i have a wonderful pointless 3min tute tomorrow i must attend despite the fatc it will be proceeded bt another 2 hours free period of loneliness once again. alothough i promised myself i would try and make friends in that half hour if only to retain sanity for the remaining day...
so good night, adieu and please stay safe my darlings.
all my love
tif
album of the day: manu chao - esperanze. ok so its all in spanish but its still funky and fun and beautiful a language to listen to.
give it a go - expand your horizon and while your at it watch PANS LABERYNTH. it is without a doubt one of the most beautiful films i've seen and u don't even notice the subtitles after a while. or if english is your only thing see 'Stranger than fiction' this wins my award not only for decent comedy but most original plot i've seen in a long time!
check them out!!

Happy New Year!

2007-02-05T21:51:00.000+11:00

Hey all!
wow ok i'm in trouble! long time ... in fcat i missed january by miles (yes iu know despite my adoring fans begging me to update..). soo whats been happening y'all? its another stinking hot day in good old sunny melbourne. we reached a soaring 38 degree celcius or for u yanbks thats close to 105 and humid! but all aside i'm well.
am finally living with my two gorgeous room mates - leah and angela. ang and i went to high school together back in 2002 and leah is a delighttful random we seem to have met along the way. plus they are both pretty fantastic cooks so i'm not starving ... budget pending :P. we live in this funky little victorian house in the heart of melbourne city. i have resigned form my old job in carrum downs and am now working at two more nursing homes in brunswick (10 mins from here). uni strats back on the 26th of feb and i'm nervous as all hell that i will struggle with the maths subs b ut thankfully leah is a math and science major and ang is doing her law degree so obviously not a dull cookie :P. plus they're equally as busy so no wild parties during the semester me hopes.
on the funner side of life ben and i are approaching the imfamous 9 month mark and i like to scare the crap out of him by reminidng him we could have had a baby in that time ... (but of course on his petty uni student income he could bearly afford a nappy let alone a kid!).
in our wonderful little home i've demolished the garden and planted a whole heap of pretty new flowers (including a lemon tree - since every real aussie home needs one). my room mate angy has also bought a cat to keep her compnay because her course is by correspondance, that we names charlie and he is seriously the cutest little thing ive ever seen in my life!
on the home front flick is still living with the boyfriend and is hoping to save for a trip to new zealand although this doesn't look good as she has trouble buying phone credit let alone paying bills or saving. plus she is not going back to school - choosing to work instead at hungry jacks (stupid, stupid, stupid - only one step off will you have fries with that!) but no one can seem to talk sense into her. mum and dad are well and mum insists they can finally live like kings now the two of us are gone - my dads even growing a beard! :P it looks funny.
well thats about it from me. lots of love to you all. good luck to bradles and shane who have both moved to woop woop this year. good luck to nath on his job interview. congrad to panda and costy still going strong, good luck to my darling shelah who been bugging me to update for ages :P and i hope is still studying super hard with her gorgeous mathatician b/f and to every one else on other sides of the globe get ur butt down here or at least say hi!
lots of hugs and kisses - stay safe, stay sane and stay cool.
update next month.
tif
album of the day: sam's town - the killers.
ok so i'm a killer sfan form way back but since i have no official groupy status i can still appreciate this album! what i love is the whole thing has an ongoing theme of that anticipation of returning home (more specifically las vegas). that combined with a funky indie rock groove with a little pazzazz showmanship makes this a ripper album! definitly a collectors peice (coz i'm still pesimistic about this bands future and can so see my kids laughing at me for liking this one day...) or at least a prettyt neat download. enjoy!

Talking crap under a pretty sunset makes the day worthwhile!

2006-12-02T17:06:00.000+11:00

Hey possums! sorry i've been so slack - i swear time runs away! i could have an extra 24 hours in a week and still find a way to run out of time. anyways some news to report.
1. got an early offer and scholarship to study nursing next year! woo hoo so will definitly be moving out to coburg by end of jan.
2. celebrated 6 months with beni boy and still goin strong :P
3. my little sister has run away from home and i haven't spoken to her in over a month since she left - this is a weird situation because the longer she is away the nicer it is without her and i'm far to angry at how selfish and stupid she is to care let alone attempt contact.
4. actually passed my exams with HD's surprisingly and have been working my butt off since trying to save up some cash for next year.
as for the social scene everything been rather quiet. had a mini cup day in erins back yard which was totally awsom despite been absolutely bloody freazing. tonight is little johnny's 21st.
big happy 21st birthday to adri and fliksta who celebrated there big days a few weeks back. big pat on the back for all my other little uni cherubs who like me am finally free until late feb from the shackles of academia.
really not quite sure what to write anymore so i will love and leave everyone and hopefully remember to update somewhere before or after christmas :P
.... but if i don't MERRY CHRISTMAS MY DARLINGS!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
tif.
Album of the Day: Scrubs: music from the series. ok yes i am a scrubs fanatic but the soundtrack is brilliant regardless. ok... so i orignially got it just for one song sung by a dead guy with a guitar in one of the episodes but was pleasantly surprised when i enjoyed the whole album. enjoy!

Como te llama? no se...

2006-10-24T20:29:00.000+10:00

hey kids, well its a lazy tuesday night and i'm relatively bored so i figured i'd update this thing. life at the moment is rather stagnant. uni is drawing to a close so i'm frantically finishing my last assessments and getting ready for some holiday fun in the sun and heavy work! no big events to speak of as such. ended up going to lawn with ben for our little camping adventure and it was a blast! spent most of the time dagging around watching movies and scowering the beach for sunken treasure. of course there was the whole sappy icecreams by the ocean at sunset thing and the fancy dinner we pretended wse could afford and then the long sunny drive to a week of complete poverty at its expense. but lifes to short to play safe all the time. speaking of the boy he's just got a new job selling BBQ's and fixing computers - really is becoming a jack of all trades me thinks. work for myself is well work... nothing much ever happens in aged care. sat my STAT test over the weekend so heres hoping that goes well and i can do nursing next year! all plans are still going ahead for moving out next year regardless and angy and i have been catching up frequently to get accustomed to the idea :P. my sister has possably failed year 11 whihc is quite a feet at sandy i'll admit so we're not sure what we're going to do with her. of course mum is blaming the friends, the boyfriend, her work and well everything besides her own negligense which isn't helping matters and dad is just mute about it all. this week and special happy birthday goes out to adri my darling token fairy and my sweet little martha stewart wanna be flicksta! both the big 21 and both still acting as itf they were 5! who wants adult friends anyways... much to dull. suprises me how quickly the year is passing - can't believe how close to christmas it is! hope you are all well. love you lots and take care. xxoo
tif
song of the day: kiss from a rose - Seal
don't know why - just head it on the radio for the first time in ages and brought a smile. not sure if this guy has ac tually made anything as good since but a pretty song all the same.

Repeat slowly: You Love Your Work...

2006-09-25T21:59:00.000+10:00

Hola! well all its that time of the month again when i regail you all with my exciting exploits (and crickets chirp loudly in the absense of applause...). well, anyways, life is all hunky dorey down here in the merry ol' depths of mt eliza. mums been crook which has given her an excuse to arrange the house into some sense of a home. first up, for those of you who have ever actually seen our home(s) you will know they are nothing exciting in terms of interior design, but you will notice the common pungent aroma of dog, 4 dollar shake and vac lavender powder and well dog! combine this with my mothers complete lack of taste (i.e. 'this beige flower printed sofa will look great with those gaudy retro print tabel clothes we purchased hun!') and you have home sweet home! all that aside i'm getting used to living by the sea. the walking is doing wonders for my health and my bank balance in terms of petrol costs. plus the extended distance to travel gives me further amunition against my parents when allowing ben to stay over or in begging for petrol money. however i am looking foreward to next year when i can move out and decorate my own space (which will not smell of dog by any means!) and live the impoverished life of a over worked, under paid, party to hard, sleep to little uni student. uni wise i kicked but in terms of not failing the mid terms to miserably for spanish and have begun my research into essay questions for consumer law.
work is well work. some gross black humor of my profession: today one lady had a really really loose bowel action (putting it descreatly) and in attending to her hygien my partner and i realised we put true meaning into the term 'up to your elbows in shit!'. i also had a showdown with my pay role officer who convieniently didn't pay me for 3 extra shift i picked up last foretnight. this was followed my manager hasseling me to pick up more shifts and be more of a team player! why the hell should i pitch into a team that won't pay me! grrr... now i am just eager to finish these last few assignments and pay the fees to get this bloody traineeship signed off and get out of there!
on a happier note its been 4 months for mr june. to celebrate he took me out to our fav. spanish restaurant where we ate ourselves sick, then went to his mates house and watched daggy 80's eddie murphy stand up til late and then spent to first day of our holidays (mid semster study week my ***) in bed til 1pm gass bagging like idiots and sleeping. yes its sad but it truely was wonderful to just sit in bed most of the day... plus, to add some excitement we're heading camping later this week although we're not sure where - he wants warrnambool and i'm not too fussed although i wouldn't mind heading down as far as apollo bay - maybe save it for another trip :P.
mi amigos are much the same - seems everyones had a birthday recently - but i'll give a special happy one to panda (mainly coz i know you read this and i feel bad for abandoning your dinner so early in the evening :P).
in other news i am going to the royal melbourne show this wed with my favourite tocken fairy of all time adri and we are going to eat dirnk and be merry from 8am (thanx adri...) to 11pm! mmm smell the sunburn...
thats all for tongiht kids! say hello to you mother for me. mwah!
tif
Album of the Day: Fever you can't sweat out - Panic! at the disco. mad group! all tracks are exciting and some very nice harmony and lyrics to match. but i think my favorite part are the track titles themselve such as - 'the only difference between suicide and martydom is press coverage' or 'build god, then we'll talk' or my favorite ' honey theres a reason these tables are numbered...'
enjoy!

2006-08-21T22:58:00.000+10:00

Hey all!
well it's been another magic month full of mundane chores and assignments and random bits in life. small but interesting stuff - we're moving into the new house this sunday! scarey stuff i know! now i'll be even further away from civilization than i am now! but all is not lost for i have also put my vtac and scholarship applications in to do nursing next year so all fingers crossed i'll see where i'm moving out to in a matter of months. got to admit though, the thought of being completely self sufficient and living independant scares me to death but not as much as driving to and from PAST frankston each day!.On the lighter side of life - uni is fantastic! doing spanish was the best thing i ever did - its so much fun! plus the nursong course is due to finish in a matter of weeks so i'll soon have enough free time to work and earn some real cash! party wise its been busy - everyone seems to be having birthdays. took shells little sis out for her 18th and made her play her first pokies (slot) machine and order her first (of hopefully not too many...) cocktails. for those of you not aware i am still with benny boy aswell! shock horror its been over 3 months in fact! and yes whilst this may not seem like such a feat for those of you who are heading toward marriage in some cases i have officially broken my 1 month wonder record!
the lil sis is also doing well - not much to report except that she makes yr 11 (junior year) look so much harder than i ever imagined it - the simple things like going to class and passing she is struggling with!?! anyways not much more to report. went to a comedy club a few weeks back which was fantastic! two blokes just telling jokes about ethnic groups pocketed around melbourne and all of it scarily accurate...
another wonderful thing is the weather picking up! yey! u can just smell summer in the air and i'm dying to pull out those sandels again and actually swim in a beach not just stare idealistically from the warm cafe.
take care my darlings! and in the wise words of bill and ted - be excellent to eachother and peace out dudes!
mwah!
tif
comedy troupe of the day: scared weird little guys - great duo originially form melbourne and a real asset to the *hehe* australian tourist industry. check em out! especially if your a volvo driver - you may learn a thing or two from them...

Como lo sospechaba...

2006-07-08T16:26:00.000+10:00

hello my darlings! ok i got the hint and i wasn't actaully aware how badly i'd fallen behind... well where to start. ok school wise i'm bored... ive been very ify about the course for a while now and have officially decided its not me! soooo i've applied for a scholarship to do nursing next year of all things... reasoning being i'm good at it, know the industry and well am guarenteed a job anywhere world wide straight after uni. not to mention it pays well and i don't evn need to practice the clinical stuff if i don't choose to. home wise flick is well still flick. parents are going to find out any day now if we have the new house which is a worry. i don't want to move to mt eliza but i'm dead scared that i'll have to move out if i don't. another worry is that if i get into this course i'll have to move to bundoora for it regardless. but we'll see what happens. since the course won't start til next year i'm going to switch my current course to part time and do my spanish elective and maybe my consumer law elective to get the credits at least.
now on to the interesting stuf!
obviously its been a while since my last post and i should let you all know as of the 8th of june i am officially 20! yey! didn't do much in terms of celebration. am currently dating a boy named ben (nunnsie to some ...) who took me out to a spanish restaurant for dinner (although i'm sorry nobody does true mexican/ spanish cuisine like you yanks!) and bought me roses and a really cute book on famous witty smart ass comebacks! he's 20, studies physical education, tutors maths and P.E. Theory and works at k-mart, lives in werribbee and is one of the sweetest sappiest guys i've ever met which makes him even ore adorable. interesting that someone i've known for such a short length of time can pick my taste so well. anyways its been almost 2 months for us now which is a very strange feeling because i'm actually very happy in this relationship - we can actually communicate - so we'll see where this goes. i still stick by the belief that nothin ventured nothing gained. but enough of this smultz - work is still work. picking up a few bank shifts at a few other facilities right now - just hangin for my certificate to come through so i can go agency. as for right now i'm off! big party for old high school friend which i wasn't technically invited to but have been instructed i am going to regardless. fun part of being a ujni student means both i and the boy are workin the next few days so won't bee seein him til tues - ooo fun news - he's taking me to a bed and breakfast this week :P! ok its kinda lame news but i've never been on a holiday even for one or two days with a boyfriend EVER! closest i've ever come was one night in portsea at a bed and breakfast because every motel was booked out with adri over summer and its just not the same sharing a bed with a gay man! although he did do a great job paintin my nails...
adios my darlings! mwah!
book of the day: How to kill your husband and other handy household hints - fantastic book!
the only woman who knows where her husband is at all times is a widow. this book charts the private and profession lives of three friends and there relationships with there families. all summed up in one glorious quote: 'men - can't live with them, can't slip them rat poison without being jailed for murder...'

Coz she's nearly 20 and so very old...

2006-05-17T22:49:00.000+10:00

Hey all! special reminder from Nath reminded me to update this. funny thing is i just realised its been over a year since i started this thing and i'm still going... me and organised aren't usually compatable. well whats news? well there was a mr april. nice boy named jazz - met in a club and out for a few weeks then - you guessed it! he dumped me one night staying he htought he was ready but obviously wasn't for a relationship. man i have totally the wrong idea of what relationsihps arw i think - when did people have to 'be ready' to hang out with another person? anyways on the prowl for a mr may i guess... can't be too hasty though my birthday is coming up (JUNE 8TH EVERYBODY!) and i wanna party! speaking of which i think its time to detox and buckle down (de ja vu from last years entries) as major essay time is upon us. thats god i'm a sociology student - only 1 exam!
on another grand note - i am getting my motor bike soon!! the finance has been approved now i just need to get it! yey. i'm also heading down to mornington on my birthday for my next body defacement/ work of art. this tattoo will be across my lower back though - just gotta see if i can afford it...
another recent development - my parents think they have found there dream home. only problem is its located in the middle of bloody no where - mt eliza (' but it adds to the charm...') yeah of being murdered and having no neighbours around to hear you scream perhaps... so i'm now stuck considering the option of movig out - which is one nasty little egg i really don't want to get ready for. its is a gorgeous property though - 3 acres bush landscaping with ocean views from the hill.
more exciting things - i saw the whitlams!!!! ok yes, again... but still TIM FREEDMAN IS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE WITH THE VOICE TO MATCH!! i have to head up to ballerate from my lil cousins 18th! i haven't seen her since she was 15 so i am quite excited! my sister has been seeing her ex... ok what else is new. trace broke up with adam - big hurrah! mr jan has been keepin friendly which is nice. and work - well tomorrow is pay day... yahoooooo...
all my love my darlings
Album of the Day: you know i can't remember if i've mentioned it before but eve 6 - its all in your head. thanx to meagan for getting me hooked shame it has to be imported for aussie listeners - cheers jb high fi! punky sound very listenable lyrics bit bleak in subject matter but fun to listen to. plus u gotta love the cover of nirvana in track 5.

Quiz with Panda

2006-04-17T22:53:00.001+10:00

Comment saying you want me to do this and..
1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you

All winners are losers, every loser will agree!

2006-04-03T22:35:00.000+10:00

'Sup kids? well its another rainy day in melbourne and ive just clocked off so i figured it was time for another pointless post while my ipod charges. nothing much to report i'm afraid... oh, i did get my motorbike license! now i just need a bike and gear and i'm set!! on the school side of life all is pretty average. have a major debate this wednesday that i should really be preparing for but that can come later... dull topic anyways 'manditory sentencing is fair, equal and just within society' - and i'm affirmative! so now i feel like a true law student completely disregarding any moral bias for the sake of a grade. in other news i'm rather poor - ok like overly poor! but the good news to that is i made enough money last year to qualify for a study grant from the government as my financial status qualifies me as independant regardless of whether i live at home or not. super cool news for all - the Whitlams new album has just come out. i may be a metal head at the best of times but there is just something indescribable about them - i guess you need to see them live to understand. their music evokes an energy that just surpasses anything else - you can see the characters, feel the emotion and whether its an upbeat cheer along with your mates song or a solom ballad squandered in the shadowed corners of a bar with a bottle of scotch song. anyways... my grandparents were down this week! cool for 2 reasons - i got to drive out to the airport by my self for the first time and whenever they visit i get a mother father figure i never had! they cook clean ask how my day was, let me discuss my problems without intimidating me... shame they have to live in queensland!

in other news - kit kat was in hospital - i'm still not quite sure what for but she got to speak to harry from cat empire on the phone somewhere along the line! alan got his *cough* machanic apprenticeship through mazda in brighton - la di dah! mr jan and traces b/f were in bad car crash - meaning write off on nice shiny new car. flick still dating same boy in wheel chair - still don't know much about him but she seems happy ... well... stable at least.

jesse turned 21! not a bad night- bad speeched, random conversation and lots of pool and beer - definitly should think before i drive though... speaking of driving my car is being an ass and keeps laging so that another large amount of money i don't have down the drain getting it serviced. gossip wise - trace is flirting with some random we met at playhouse a few weeks ago - obviously the b/f is completely oblivious. never understood that concept. i am far from an expert in relationships but ive always felt that if your with someone and you think your going to cheat - break up! obviously you don't have as stronge a feeling for them as you thought and its a hell of alot easier than getting hurt in a breakup... but what do i know. as you can see the relationship sector is very quiet. but i like it that way i'm just trying to figure some sort of pattern out to life right now and would rather not complicate it. well kids, i'm babbling (what else is new) so i'll love and leave you all. the ipod is far form charged but i have a multitude of things i can find to preoccupy myself with - like the homework i'm so good at procrastinating on! adios.

how fast is the speed of dark?

2006-03-07T01:05:00.001+11:00

hey all, well its march and i'm sobre - well relatively. just got back from a long shift at ye ol' coal mines (the nursing home...) and then ventured to my merry ol' local (playhouse) for some shots at pool with the guys. not a bad night although i need to keep reminding myself i'm still a P plater and one or two down is not such a grand idea no matter how 'local' the place is.
as for life as of late - its all marvelous i guess. my work is screwing me in terms of hours - they think a uni student can possibly survive on 8 pathetic hours a week!! oh and yeah - uni is back! thank the heavens - i was going insane with full time work! anyways the new year promises great possibility since all my subjects and i repeat - ALL - have something relevant to the study of law and not this sociology bull****. socially things are as they usually are - many nights of drinking, debauchery and very badly photographed shenanigans. still i enjoy it all. luckily i have not ventured for a mr march. mr febuary was the result of a compromising interlude with a very old dear friend and hopefully will not be repeated. i'm quite happy playing the single game. i still habour idel fantasies that my green eyed, left handed welsh man will come and rescue me and save me from my solitude but the odds of that happening for a while are not good so i'll flirt like crazy and play my games knowing 'commitment' is a term reserved solely for the incarceration of the mentally deranged. news wise - i did get my tattoo!!! i beauty - trebel clef about 2'' by 1'' in the middle of my shoulder blades. adri and i also had a mad advenure in sorento in the process excpet for the fact the family that owned the b & b where we stayed thought we were a couple and we didn't have the heart to tell them he's as straight as a bent lamppost and the two of us were placing dibs on there rather attractive english exchange student...
also on the calender my beloved lil sis turned 18! i know it age not mentality that counts but gosh they grow up so fast :P. meanwhile trace and i decided to corrupt her lil mind sat night by dragging her through chapel till all hours. i can't believe we're related after such an event - SHE DIDN'T LIKE OUR VODKA BAR! thats the best thing about chapel!! but she did enjoy the dance floor at bridey's and thankfully flirted enough with some random to foreget about her new disabled (physically not mentally this time) boyfriend. its not his disability that bothers me - its that he has already proposed to her, has no education or plan to achieve any and no job whatso ever. plus he talks to people like a monkey - combination of grunts and bawly laughter. i just think she can find someone she has more in common with out there - i mean shes bloody gorgeous and can be a sweet person (even if it is only when shes asleep). well thats about it from me. hope you are all well my darlings.
lovin' you to the moon and back! adios - tif.
Album of the Day: Story of the Year - page avenue
great stuf really bouncy bit punky - good lyrics but not recommended for the emotionally unstable - bit depressing at stages. enjoy!

the feburary feeling

2006-02-18T22:23:00.000+11:00

hey all,
well i just had the sadest saturday night of my entire year! i have this yukky cold for a start, my plans for tonight were cancled, everyonr in the house was too lazy to cook so we ordered chinese and above all ive spent the merry eve polishing off a bottle of red and a half by my self i fornt of my folks of course. despite the many comments of 'ur and alcoholic' i didok first up i manGE TO watch both episodes of law and order... oh god. sis is out with the cripled b/f. did i mentio n my gorgeous sister has the worst taste in men evewr!!! seriously first there was the stalker, them the depressive, ythen the alcho, then the cripple!!! what the heck ios wronge with her. m,ums b een doin lots of night shifts so its a novelty to speak to her a nd well dad is just dad i guess. flicks out with best friend and cripple b/f for this mobnth of course. thankfully im not drivin tonight. she was oh so devistated to no longer fit into a size 10 todfay!!!! ifonly!! i just look at a cheesebubrgwer and feel like ive gained 5 kg. bRAT!
anyways i thought this was a brilliant time to write someything i am sure to regret in the morning! yeY! anyways nothing much has been goin on ive just been working a heap and preyinmg i m ake it to saturday when i can finally get my tatoo and camp out on the coast and just suinbake and surf for a day or two. fickle dream but so desires aswell. tyomorrow i don't work til 3 pm yey!!! my first sleep in, in 3 weeks!! soooooooooooo tired. was invite4d to movies and some radoms party but feel terrible crashing a gig i wasn't initially invited to. as stands will sleep early and hopefully get rid of this cold and enjopy my wine and the company of my parents dreamking yearnfully of un i stARTING again and of the inevitable graduation where i can finally claim my name to some esteem and move to spain. btw ik've decided i'm going to work for the AUS embasy over there. gotta make a somewhat lucrative living somehow even if i must sell out to my passion in performance.
adios my darlings!
mwah!! BETTER split before i fall asleep on keybpoard.
album of the day: Grace - Jeff Buckley - the scattered lyrics of a man more tormented and confused than i shall hopefully ever be. some goos tunes too...

Ever changing yet ever the same

2006-02-04T01:22:00.000+11:00

well mi amigos, its another month and i've persistantly been pestered to update this thing. my excuse for not doing so is the mundane pattern life has become but here goes. work is much the same except i did manage the courage to call in sick for the first time with this new position... it may also have been the unbelievably wretched headache from the hangover of the previous night. romantically Mr January lived up to his title. we sat on a beach for a couple hours and he explained that he's moving to aubrey and its a personal voyage he needs to take to understand who he is - so we adopted the standard 'just friends' cliche and drowned the impact of loss with a good bottle of champas in traces living room (there was a bottle of red but we had no corkscrew!! then the following day that bottle of red i had saved leaked throughout my car!!) i can easily get over the breakup as we only really we out for 3 weeks, however, i am so utterly sick of these bullshit affairs! i'm a cynic to love we all know that but what i would give merely to have that connection others manage to find. oh and for future reference NO MORE MECHANICS! well enough of this junk - i am looking foreward to uni soooooooooooo much! i can't wait to grab my coffee and sit with the girls and talk about all the menial sagas we encounter. good news - i may be able to pass a subject from first semester i failed with some serious sucking up and bullshit. also i'm in the process of quitting smoking - yey! hoping it lasts... its actually with the help of this trial drug called zyban - fun stuf - causes extreme nausea, dizziness, insomnia, etc. but hey - if it works.
well thats about all from my neck of the world. catch you later darlings - i'm off to bed. Mwah!
Album of the Day: The Whitlams - Love this city. Ok, so they're my fav. band even though they haven't released an album in how many years. this is a particular keeper as it contains 'make me hard' and 'blow up the pokies' which are the two most classic songs ever written. 'god drinks down at the sandy' also strikes a cord as the Sandy was our local hangout back in highschool days. enjoy.